coil

It’s been a while since I posted about a tea. I’ve mostly been drinking quasi-gongfu style at work, brewing out of a tall glass bottle. For that style, I prefer ripe puer and cheap yancha in cold weather, and lighter oolongs or white tea in warm weather. This means that my stash of raw puer is pretty much never touched.

However, since I was at my parents house during the holidays where my clay pots are, I dug out an old (opened) sample of a YS bingdao. Since the sample was open, and have been sitting there for years, I had low expectations for the tea and threw the wrapper away before even looking at the year. That was a mistake since this tea is really good.

The first day I brewed very lightly, and was unimpressed. The second day, being left with a big chunk of tea that’s not big enough to further split into two servings, I brewed heavily and was rewarded with really nice 回甜 (not sure if I chose the right first character 😅, it’s the returning sweetness after you swallow the tea). Since I used so much leaf, the tea lasted until the third day, and had a predominating dried fruit flavour. There also wasn’t much bitterness during the second day, although it left an astringent feeling in your mouth along with the sweetness.

Black Friday Results

I'm not sure why I focus on clothing, and to a lesser extend cosmetics, during Black Friday and all the shopping days around these couple of months, since electronics and appliances probably have better deals. But I did buy quite a few pieces this year.

The most surprising of which (to everyone but me) is a dress that I intend to wear for my wedding. I was not careful and called it a wedding dress to the first few people I told and that caused some confusion. I'm proud that it costs less than $200, which means I can order more Lady M cakes.

The main order I made is at Skye, which is an ethical brand that I either discovered /r/ffa or through StyleBee. Skye provides some specifics about how their production is ethical and sustainable, but are lacking in quantifiable claims (eg. what is a living wage, what percent of their cotton is recycled). It also bothers me that they still refer to the Guangzhou region as Canton -_-
I got 2 tops and 2 dresses, one top of which I'm returning since it's way too big. I find that sizing in general for smaller "ethical" brands to be challenging, since the cuts tend to be generous or oversized to begin with, and many brands don't even go down to XS. I've been eying Skye for a while because their cuts tend to have some waist definition (and they have nice prints), so I'm slightly disappointed that one of the top was entirely too big. Even the dresses are not cut or darted to have any curves, but at least I could use the waist belt to adjust the fit. Conversely, I'm quite happy with the material quality. Out of the 4 items, I got one in tencel, two in cotton (but different feel) and one in cotton / linen blend. All of the materials felt durable and substantial, and one of the summer weight cotton does actually feel very crisp and refreshing. The white top was not completely opaque (eg. can clearly see black pants underneath), but it sufficiently covers up a bra. The seams appear well done to my amateur eye. I also like that their clothing uses interesting buttons, makes their statements about "thoughtful design" more believable.
As an aside, I realize I totally do not pay close attention to clothing description / photos when shopping online. I was not aware that some of the pieces had snap buttons, or that one of the dress had an "architectural detail" around the collar. Looks like I didn't learn my lesson from my HOPE boots.

With the total of 3 new clothing pieces, this actually goes over my 10 item limit for 2019. I was originally planning on reducing my limit for 2020 to only 8 new items, so now it's effectively 7. It'll be challenging since I know I'll be tempted by Taobao when I'm in China.

I did also get a Wamsutta bath robe, which is super fluffy. I highly recommend. Apparently it's from the same manufacturer that supplies a high end hotel, but the tag did say made exclusively for Bed Bath & Beyond so unfortunately it's not the exact same robe :(

Chemistry

This book perfectly occupies the uncanny valley to me, it's relatable enough but not 100% so that I can't help not really enjoying reading it (gosh that's a convoluted sentence). I also have a general aversion to reading this subject matter (this being the Asian immigrant experience) despite how much time I spend scrolling through SAT. So sorry to friends that have recommend books on this subject that I probably said I'll add it to my reading list but never actually did.

What I have been interested in reading is about poverty in North America (see the previous post). While I find it fascinating to read about such different experiences and mindsets that occur in such close proximity, I also feel guilty that I have the privilege to only read about these experiences and not have to actually live through them. Like...cultural appropriation? Or like how tourists go see slum settlements. I think guilty is an appropriate reaction, but what bothers me is that it doesn't actually lead to anything else (again see previous post). I'm now more aware of these structural inequalities and doing the exactly same nothing about them. Sure I'll be more conscious of my biases against poor people, but that is hardly impactful. And that's it.

The View From Flyover Country

I forget how this book got on my to-read list years ago, but I am glad I finally got around to reading it. The author admits that the events described in her essays are quite depressing to read about, and unfortunately I just felt bad after reading it but not inspired to actually do anything. I have the vague intention to donate my bonus, but saving for a downpayment is more prominent of a need so that's where the money went. And at the rate Toronto housing prices are trending, it will be a very long time before my bonuses are free to be donated. I also had the vague intention to get something for the homeless lady that I frequently see at the subway station, but was stuck on thinking of what's the most effective small thing I can give. That was enough of a challenge that I also didn't end up doing anything.

Back to the book. One of my favourite themes in the book is about the American mindset that being wealthy is also being morally better:

Mistaking wealth for virtue is a cruelty of our times. [...] Poverty is not a character flaw. Poverty is not emblematic of intelligence. Poverty is lost potential, unheard contributions, silenced voices.

In America, there is little chance at reversal of fortune for those less fortunate. Poverty is a sentence for the crime of existing. Poverty is a denial of rights sold as a character flaw.

When wealth is passed off as merit, bad luck is seen as bad character.

Another standout theme to me is corporate / large organization using charity to divert attention away from structural inequality that they perpetrate or at least benefit from. The first quotation is similar to a FuturePerfect article questioning the morality of donations by billionaires:

Refus[ing] charity while pursuing justice [...] is not a position to condemn. Fiscal stability that relies on gifts is not stability. It is a guarantee of insecurity: income based not on work but on whim. Capricious generosity isn’t not a replacement for a living wage, nor is it a basis for a functioning society. Charity is no substitute for justice.

[Charity] is an investment in the present, not the future. If you value the future - if you value a society where people can imagine their future - work for justice.

Success is not a pathway out of social responsibility

 The last theme I want to highlight describes my reaction, or my lack of reaction, after reading the book:

There is no point in speaking truth to power when power is the only truth. [...] We continue to live in an era of hysterical panic about invented catastrophes a d false reassurances about real catastrophes. [...] We lost accountability and faith in our institutions, and most of all, we lost the outrage that accompanies that loss, because we came to expect it and accept it as normal. The quite acquiescence is, in the end, as damaging as any lie we were told.

You begun to have nostalgia for disappointment, because at least that means you had expectations.

Complaints is often perceived as an alternative to action. Those who complain are criticized as “just complaining,” instead of “actually doing something.” But
For marginalized and stigmatized groups, complaining is the first step in removing the shame from a lifetime of being told one’s problems are unimportant, nonexistent, or even a cause for gratitude. Complaining alerts the world that the problem is a problem. [...]
Long term complaining indicates that a problem is serious and structural, not that it is hopeless and should continue to be ignored.

taxi

I watched Joker some time ago, and it just dawned on me that the plot progression is very much similar to the plot of Crime and Punishment.

Both characters contemplate carrying out the crime at the beginning due to perceived unfairness of society.
Both characters get repeatedly beaten down by life events while having family member(s) to support.
Both characters meet the female lead that offer them some hope and solace.
Both characters "accidentally" commit the crime.
Both characters are pursued by law enforcement, questioned at first and let go, but eventually the law enforcement figures out they are the culprit.
Both characters eventually give in and allows themselves to be arrested.

quail

3 lessons learned from catching the flu last week:

• It feels soooo good to change out of sweat soaked clothes, which surprisingly I've never previously done when I had fevers despite seeing it in anime/manga all the time.
• Nothing taste better than plain congee when sick
• A trick to reduce coughing at night is to hold a cough drop in your mouth. It dissolves slowly enough to last most of the night 

vector

I forget when I more seriously got into credit card points, probably this time last year? I'm proud to say that I did my first redemption for tickets to China next year. It was stressful and not the greatest value, but it does feel great to put previous spending to use.

My first mistake when signing up for the credit cards is not checking who the transfer partners are. I signed up for the Delta card since I thought I was going to be in Atlanta for a while. Then I signed up for the Chase card since it's well regarded overall. And finally the Aeroplane card now that I'm back in Canada. I was naive and thought Chase could transfer to both Delta and Air Canada...but that is not the case. So I was stuck with roughly 80k Chase points, 80k Delta points, and 35k aeroplan points.

My initial plan was to transfer from Chase to Delta and buy round trip business card tickets. This would have worked out since the total was 170k points but alas there's no direct transfer "orz The only way is through Marriott, but it's a 3:1 ratio to Delta which is definitely not worth. Instead I focused on getting a one-way business ticket back through Delta, and redeemed the Chase points through their own reward portal for premium economy tickets there. Unfortunately this meant I only got 1.5x the value of the Chase points, when TPG values then at 2x.

However I was still short ~5000 Delta points. I admired defeat and transferred some Chase points into Marriott. But transferring points takes time, and there was only 2 seats left to redeem. I literally had 3 consecutive nightmares about missing out on the tickets on the day I transferred my points "orz One day passed and my points haven't shown up in my Marriott account. I start panicking more...and decided to calculate if I actually had enough Marriott points to not wait for my transferred Chase points. Turned out I did, so I needlessly slept badly "orz So I transferred my existing Marriott points to Delta, and felt pretty hopeful since the internet said it usually takes less than 24 hours.

Except it didn't. 2 whole days passed and it still didn't show up. On the third day, I looked at a different section of the app and noticed the transfer showed up in recent activity, but not in my total points. I took a gamble and booked the tickets anyways. Except the reservation didn't go through. I ended calling customer service to resolve the issue (turns out it was a backend problem), and finally breathed a sigh of relief.

I tried to calculate the valuation of my Delta points, but the same flight is no longer available. The cheapest business flight on the same day is a ridiculous 6k USD, which equals a crazy 7 cents per point. I highly doubt my flight was that expensive, but I'll stick to the 7 cents to feel better.

haystack

I think this photo could look much better if I had the patience to manually dodge and burn, and also probably a tighter crop:

scan

This photo made me appreciate glass coatings a lot more:

skincare routine: almost 2020

(last update was in Atlanta, and also looking back at my goals for 2019)

My routine has seen some minor changes outside of my core products (marked with *), and I'm quite happy with how it is now. There's not too many steps, but I manage to fit a lot of product types in:

• Cleansing oil (evening only): Kose speedy, I've dug out my limited edition Alice in Wonderland bottle *u* The performance is still my baseline for comparing other cleansing oils to, and so far the only one I like more is Shu's anti-oxi cleansing oil, but the difference is price is too much. I am (slightly) trying to buy more locally (to reduce some carbon emissions, although it's hard to make a blanket statement of this behaviour's impact), so will try Muji's cleansing oil next. 
• Second cleanser (evening only): Hada Labo foaming cleanser*, I do need to buy more refills of this, but it seems like my trusted eBay seller for Hada Labo was/is hospitalized and have put his shop on hiatus :( 
• Acid (evening only, on non-retinoid days): I was using some BHA pads in the summer, but have now switched to using TO's 10% mandelic acid. I find it difficult to notice the effect of acids, actually all actives, until you don't use them. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, my skin enjoys having lots of actives applied to it, and does respond with better texture.
• First toner: Etude House soon jung toner. this is a new step I introduced for the cooler weather. I wanted a non-hyaluronic acid toner to as the step before so there's more water on my skin for the HA to hold onto. I'm half way through the bottle of EH toner and quite like it. It's very watery and light-weight, doing exactly what I need it to do. I already bought another bottle, but am looking for a cheaper option. 
• HA toner+oil: Hada Labo shirojyun toner* + Komeyu rice oil. Will go back to rosehip seed oil after.
• Moisturizing toner: Laneige cream skin toner. I just ordered this and haven't actually received it yet, but this is intended to save my skin during the freezing temperatures in Jan/Feb.
• Vitamin C (morning only): Melano CC serum, this is my preferred Vit C in cooler weather since the formula is oil-based. I did try Timeless' serum while in Houston and liked it, it smelled fine and didn't oxidize too much when kept in the fridge. I would re-purchase it for warmer weather if it had free shipping in Canada. Instead I got TO's Ascorbyl Tetraisopalmitate due to Gosthamista's good review, specifically that it selectively acts on pigmentation. 
• Essence: Scinic snail essence or Tosowoong tea tree essence during active breakouts, although LGH tea tree essence still reigns supreme. Will be trying Purito's green buffet serum next. 
• Retinol (evening only): TO 0.2% retinol in squalene, so I finally tried a retinoid product! It's only been a month, so there's no results to report. Perhaps my skin texture as improved? The squalene does take a long time to absorb, so I take the change do a little bit of facial massage. It double dose of oil has worked well to prevent my skin from feeling dry so far. Not sure if I'll find a non-oil based retinol for the summer, or just use TO's niacinamide serum.
• Moisturizer: Hada Labo shirojyun milk* I did buy EH's soon jung cica balm just in case my skin is feeling extra dry or irritated.

Total morning steps: 5

Total evening steps: 7

I don't foresee much change to my routine in 2020, aside from trying out Stratia's products the next time black friday rolls around, and trying Hera's moisturizing cushion if a pretty limited edition case comes out.

In terms of goals for the latter half of my 20s, it would primarily be maintenance and secondary be fading hyperpigmentation from the inevitable hormonal breakouts. It seems to take about 5 years to stabilize a major improvement to my skin, I started doing a consistent-dish routine in my late teens, which eventually balanced out my skin's sebum production such that I'd say I now have normal skin with an oily t-zone. But I also had a lot of breakouts which resulted in lots of PIH, uneven skin texture, and "enlarged" pores around my nose. These got resolved in my early 20s when I discovered and consistently used actives. So now it'll be continuing those actives, and starting some non-active anti-aging products (peptides, anti-oxidants), while keeping up the baseline of hydration, anti-inflammatory products, and sun protection. 

sense

I finished sniffing through my Amouage samples, and I feel the hype (not really hype, but good reputation) of the brand is well deserved. All of the fragrances are layered and full bodied, with good projection and longevity.

Amouage Lyric Women
Woah the opening is a heavy, dense floral blend. Very intense but also quite good. 5 minutes in the florals sheer out a little bit and let’s some creamy base through. As more time goes on, the creaminess starts to overtake the floral notes. I pick up some incense notes if I smell really closely. Although the incense note is not individually discernible from a farther distance, it does temper the creaminess into something I enjoy. Overall I like this scent a lot, especially in the cooler weather when I want a cozier floral.

...

Amouage Journey Man
Woah the opening is strong, a sweet and spicy floral with a slightly incense-y wood note. There is a lot going on but every note is also playing nicely with each other. As the scent develops, the woody aspect is gaining more prominence, with the florals falling to a support role. About 10mins in, it is fully an incense-y wood, quite pleasant. Unfortunately I didn’t smell the sichuan pepper in the top notes, which is the whole reason why I got a sample of this. Will try a tester in store with a spray, since I think it’s hard to smell the top notes with the wand format. The projection of this fragrance is very good, I can clearly smell it an arms length away. A swipe of this also lasted a whole 5 hours. Overall very good performance, but I’m not into incense woody scents enough to purchase a full bottle. I do see myself using up the sample tho.

...

Amouage Lyric Man
I get a very feminine floral opening, an initial burst of roses, then a more generic green and fresh floral. There’s a...grainy undertone to the floral, as in wheat or oatmeal. The grain note is gaining more prominence and also taking on a plasticy aspect. Kinda like the feel of instant oatmeal compared to steel cut oats. There’s also some musks that I’m smelling after the grains. But the strongest notes are a powdery floral. Perhaps I’m sensitive to musks? Had to scrub this off after an hour since it became nauseating.

...

Amouage Fate Women
Ohhh this is a floral that’s...a bit incense-y, spicy and creamy. There’s also an aromatic top to it that appears a couple of minutes in. The multiple aspects of the scent seems layered. My impression of this is similar to Lyric Women. There’s not much change in the scent for the remainder of time that it lasts on me. I have noticed that I find the vanilla in Amouage scents more pleasing than other scents vanilla. It’s not as cloy, and more like vanilla the plant rather than an ingredient?

I did a side by side with Lyric women and they indeed are similar. The aromatic floral opening is very similar, although then they split into a lightly spiced cream (Fate) and fresh and powerful floral (Lyric). Interestingly I don’t think I’ve smelled this part of Lyric the first time around. Overall, I would like a full bottle of Fate over Lyric, and that’s almost purely because the bottle and outer presentation is gorgeous. But if money and space aren't constraints, I would like full bottles of both.

...

Amouage Journey Woman
Oook the opening is a beautiful soft white floral, I think it’s gardenia? It smells better on the sheerly applied arm versus the concentrated arm, which has a hint of plastic to the floral note. Hmm perhaps the plastic-y note is more like a...diluted stale milk smell? Not like milk gone bad, but definitely not the fresh creamy milk. Maybe a bit like oreo’s filling, tho you have to interpret that as someone who dislikes the filling. I also smell some jasmine joining in the gardenia. There’s not much change after this, aside from the aforementioned 3 notes varying in strength. Longevity is great tho, I can still smell this on me after waking up. Reading the official notes, it seems the plastic-milk note is likely leather, and what I thought was gardenia is likely osmanthus? The other osmanthus centric perfumes I’ve sampled certainly smelled differently, but I do hope this is what osmanthus smells like because it’s much more to my liking. I didn’t get any of the spice, but that may be more apparently if sprayed. Overall this scent smells less complex, and changes less, compared to the other Amouage scents, although its richer than the run of the mill white floral (tho I have a small sample size). I do like most of this scent, but unlikely to purchase a full bottle.

...

Amouage Reflection Man
A very fresh opening, huh. Actually not purely fresh, there’s musk underneath. I also caught a whiff of orange, but that lasted for literally a second. The feeling of walking through an evergreen forest in winter, all bundled up. I’m tempted to say there is also a strong licorice note? After an hour or so, it dries down to warmer woods, tho with a slight aromatic note. The woods then become buried in a powdery note. After reading the official notes, I’m surprised that I didn’t get any of the florals except the powdery iris. I’m not into the musks or licorice-y opening (not sure what I’m actually smelling since the official notes don’t mention them) of this scent, will pass.

With this batch of samples done, I'm finally finished with a first pass through all of my perfume samples. Will be taking a break from trying new scents and observe which samples I actually end up using more. 

adhere

Some food photos that've slipped through the cracks:

The menu said "boneless chicken", which was not a lie, but I struggled with the occasional tendon and cartridge ;o;

Finally made it to Bar Isabel, but Thursday evening is apparently a very busy time so I could only admire the wood ceiling from the outside patio :( Tho my non-alcoholic cocktail was very tasty, it's a very herbal forward drink, which provided a much needed relief under the intense infrared heat lamps.

 Jeff has doing most of the cooking, so it's been a long time since I've made some sichuan dishes.

Neo Cafe opened a second location near me, and holy their roll cakes are actually the best I've ever eaten. The cake is not the usual soft spongecake, but rather a breadier version which works so well. This flavor is pistachio and raspberry, which is a surprisingly good combo.

aged

Its been a while since I fell in love with a teapot at first sight. But this little eggplant style pot from YS is soooo adorable!

Sadly there is zero reason for me to get a new teapot. I barely use any of my existing pots, and I have enough pots that I can assign each one to a type of tea that I usually drink. Overall I do want to avoid being a collector in any of my hobbies (perfumes is another slippery slope).

I guess I'll never understand

Ok I think I'm losing my ability to listen to songs on repeat one and not get tired of them within a couple of days. I revise my choice of favourite song in Peachy!'s new album to this one. The instrumental sections and vocal sections are both superb!


You know I'm trying to see a new side of things
and I need you to go with me
[Scared] and I can't do this alone right now

[Oh no am I] going backwards
[falling] into my emotions
[that] I'll never understand
[Oh well] I think I need to stay up
above my own head
my god why can't we be friends
I guess I'll never understand

But yeah that's how life goes
Dark thoughts they come and go
So we make characters that look like us to feel less alone

I'm sorry, and I wish that
I could be there right now
But you can always reach out
I swear I'll come running
I'm half way across the world
but you can feel my heart
beat to your drum
To me you're not just anyone
Not just anyone

Maybe it's meant to be
that I can be happy
in Southern California
writing these songs about us
And when I'm all alone
my mind plays tricks on me
I don't know if I'm happy
I just know

I'm sorry, and I wish that
I could be there right now
But you can always reach out
I swear I'll come running
I'm half way across the world
but you can feel my heart
beat to your drum
To me you're not just anyone

I'm sorry, and I wish that
I could be there right now
But you can always reach out
I swear I'll come running
I'm half way across the world
but you can feel my heart
beat to your drum
To me you're not just anyone


I tried very hard to note down these lyrics by ear :< and then I searched for lyrics again just in case...and they exist now -_- Words in square brackets are words I did not correctly identify.

Wa

I forgot to post about this passage from Wa: The Essence of Japanese Design:

It cemented my desire to read Kenya Hara's other books. The offerings are scant on TPL, and there are many holds on the few that's available.

...

Also this is the perfect non-traditional yet still traditional tea space:

Tea Ceremony space by Toshiyuki Kita (1986)

Crime and Punishment

I finally did it! Finally finished reading Crime and Punishment, which also means I've finally finished reading all of Dostoyevsky's novels. Let me clap for myself.

I am writing this before I read any other analysis of the book, of which are many. My overall impression is that this book felt like a prototype of The Brothers Karamazov, mostly in structure and less so in character. I didn't really get into the book until the final section, when Svidrigailov made his appearance. He's definitely my favourite character, and I think the foil to Rodion. It would've been great if there were more chapters from his perspective, heck I wouldn't mind if he is the main character. But man the last couple of chapters, and epilogue, is powerful.

Onto the quotations.

The first...many sections of the book is focused on Rodion's depression:

A gloomy sensation of agonising, everlasting solitude and remoteness, took conscious form in his soul. [...] He had never experienced such a strange and awful sensation. And what was most agonising—it was more a sensation than a conception or idea, a direct sensation, the most agonising of all the sensations he had known in his life.

He stood still, and gazed long and intently into the distance; this spot was especially familiar to him. When he was attending the university, he had hundreds of times—generally on his way home—stood still on this spot, gazed at this truly magnificent spectacle and almost always marvelled at a vague and mysterious emotion it roused in him. It left him strangely cold; this gorgeous picture was for him blank and lifeless. He wondered every time at his sombre and enigmatic impression and, mistrusting himself, put off finding the explanation of it. He vividly recalled those old doubts and perplexities, and it seemed to him that it was no mere chance that he recalled them now. It struck him as strange and grotesque, that he should have stopped at the same spot as before, as though he actually imagined he could think the same thoughts, be interested in the same theories and pictures that had interested him... so short a time ago. He felt it almost amusing, and yet it wrung his heart. Deep down, hidden far away out of sight all that seemed to him now—all his old past, his old thoughts, his old problems and theories, his old impressions and that picture and himself and all, all.... He felt as though he were flying upwards, and everything were vanishing from his sight.

The conversation about socialists in the chapter with Razumikhin's housewarming party reminds me of the Great Inquisition chapter in TBK:

It began with the socialist doctrine. You know their doctrine; crime is a protest against the abnormality of the social organisation and nothing more, and nothing more; [...] Everything with them is ‘the influence of environment,’ and nothing else. Their favourite phrase! From which it follows that, if society is normally organised, all crime will cease at once, since there will be nothing to protest against and all men will become righteous in one instant. Human nature is not taken into account, it is excluded, it’s not supposed to exist! They don’t recognise that humanity, developing by a historical living process, will become at last a normal society, but they believe that a social system that has come out of some mathematical brain is going to organise all humanity at once and make it just and sinless in an instant, quicker than any living process! That’s why they instinctively dislike history, ‘nothing but ugliness and stupidity in it,’ and they explain it all as stupidity! That’s why they so dislike the living process of life; they don’t want a living soul! The living soul demands life, the soul won’t obey the rules of mechanics, the soul is an object of suspicion, the soul is retrograde! But what they want though it smells of death and can be made of India-rubber, at least is not alive, has no will, is servile and won’t revolt! And it comes in the end to their reducing everything to the building of walls and the planning of rooms and passages in a phalanstery! The phalanstery is ready, indeed, but your human nature is not ready for the phalanstery—it wants life, it hasn’t completed its vital process, it’s too soon for the graveyard! You can’t skip over nature by logic. Logic presupposes three possibilities, but there are millions! Cut away a million, and reduce it all to the question of comfort! That’s the easiest solution of the problem! It’s seductively clear and you musn’t think about it. That’s the great thing, you mustn’t think! The whole secret of life in two pages of print!”
Why was that fool Razumihin abusing the socialists? They are industrious, commercial people; ‘the happiness of all’ is their case. No, life is only given to me once and I shall never have it again; I don’t want to wait for ‘the happiness of all.’ I want to live myself, or else better not live at all.

Then Rodion's explanation of his theory reminds of Ivan explaining his lack of faith, although the two characters didn't remind me of each other despite some similarities:

The first category, generally speaking, are men conservative in temperament and law-abiding; they live under control and love to be controlled. To my thinking it is their duty to be controlled, because that’s their vocation, and there is nothing humiliating in it for them. The second category all transgress the law; they are destroyers or disposed to destruction according to their capacities. The crimes of these men are of course relative and varied; for the most part they seek in very varied ways the destruction of the present for the sake of the better. But if such a one is forced for the sake of his idea to step over a corpse or wade through blood, he can, I maintain, find within himself, in his conscience, a sanction for wading through blood—that depends on the idea and its dimensions, note that. It’s only in that sense I speak of their right to crime in my article (you remember it began with the legal question). There’s no need for such anxiety, however; the masses will scarcely ever admit this right, they punish them or hang them (more or less), and in doing so fulfil quite justly their conservative vocation. But the same masses set these criminals on a pedestal in the next generation and worship them (more or less). The first category is always the man of the present, the second the man of the future. The first preserve the world and people it, the second move the world and lead it to its goal. Each class has an equal right to exist. In fact, all have equal rights with me

But that sanction of bloodshed by conscience is to my mind... more terrible than the official, legal sanction of bloodshed....”
But I wonder shall I in those fifteen or twenty years grow so meek that I shall humble myself before people and whimper at every word that I am a criminal? Yes, that’s it, that’s it, that’s what they are sending me there for, that’s what they want. Look at them running to and fro about the streets, every one of them a scoundrel and a criminal at heart and, worse still, an idiot. But try to get me off and they’d be wild with righteous indignation. Oh, how I hate them all!”

Vague and objectless anxiety in the present, and in the future a continual sacrifice leading to nothing—that was all that lay before him. And what comfort was it to him that at the end of eight years he would only be thirty-two and able to begin a new life! What had he to live for? What had he to look forward to? Why should he strive? To live in order to exist? Why, he had been ready a thousand times before to give up existence for the sake of an idea, for a hope, even for a fancy. Mere existence had always been too little for him; he had always wanted more. Perhaps it was just because of the strength of his desires that he had thought himself a man to whom more was permissible than to others.

“Why does my action strike them as so horrible?” he said to himself. “Is it because it was a crime? What is meant by crime? My conscience is at rest. Of course, it was a legal crime, of course, the letter of the law was broken and blood was shed. Well, punish me for the letter of the law... and that’s enough. Of course, in that case many of the benefactors of mankind who snatched power for themselves instead of inheriting it ought to have been punished at their first steps. But those men succeeded and so they were right, and I didn’t, and so I had no right to have taken that step.” It was only in that that he recognised his criminality, only in the fact that he had been unsuccessful and had confessed it.

He thought of her. He remembered how continually he had tormented her and wounded her heart. He remembered her pale and thin little face. But these recollections scarcely troubled him now; he knew with what infinite love he would now repay all her sufferings. And what were all, all the agonies of the past! Everything, even his crime, his sentence and imprisonment, seemed to him now in the first rush of feeling an external, strange fact with which he had no concern. But he could not think for long together of anything that evening, and he could not have analysed anything consciously; he was simply feeling. Life had stepped into the place of theory and something quite different would work itself out in his mind.

Emphasis in the last quotation is mine, as it's also my recent big lesson learned.

Lastly, this is almost exactly the same thing that Jahvart said to the empress in Phantom Paradise (man the current arc is heavy):

The fear of appearances is the first symptom of impotence.

Reincarnation & revenge manhwas often also use this theme.

separate

Jeff and I make a good omurice:

Tho we do cheat by using okonomiyaki sauce instead of making beef demi-glace. We also disagree on the best meat, he is for chicken while I'm for shrimp.

aida

It's rare that I find a sustainable / ethical brand with an aesthetic that I like, most tend to be focusing on basics (makes sense) or have rather shapeless items. I found 22factor via restitchstance, which is a HK-based, ethical knitwear brand with designs that actually interest me.

This coat is especially tempting (the grey & pink!!):

The Tradland cardigan in the post is also very tempting, but I have a tons of cardigans (though of different styles) that I barely wear :(

cushion

My flight back to Toronto was much better. Visibility was very good during our descent into Toronto.

conduit

I'm surprised that it took this long for me to be called back to Houston, and slightly unfortunate that the project I went primarily went down for was put on hold last minute. Since the overall trip was quite last minute, as with al Diagnostics trips, I went with a connecting flight since a direct flight was very expensive. Surprisingly hotel prices were still reasonable.

Flying in winter sucks tho. My departure flight happen to coincide with the first legit snow storm of the season. Amazingly the flight arrived on time, and we even boarded mostly on time. But that was the end of good luck. It took a good half an hour or so before the plane managed to get de-iced, after of which the pilot found some control issues. So back to gate we went, and waited an hour or so for the mechanic to perform some inspections and clear us. Then another plane got stuck on the runway since the small vehicle pulling the plane lost traction, and we had to wait for that to clear before again making our way to the de-icing station and finally to be cleared for take off. Overall we were about 4 hours late.
The 4 hours wouldn't have been awful, except there were no more flights for the day to Houston. So I got stranded and spent the night at the airport hotel, which was rightfully vouchered. What was less acceptable was that no meal voucher was provided, and almost every airport food concession was closed by the time this was all sorted out. Perhaps the only highlight of this inbound flight was a good breakfast croissant sandwich, which is bread-y and with enough heft to support the filling, unlike the usual too delicate croissants.

After finally arriving in Houston, I checked into AC Hotel, which is now my favourite Marriott brand based on aesthetics. My only quip is that the pillows are way too thick and I ended up sleeping without one for my final 2 nights. Also I did not rest well for any night of this trip "orz The best aspect of this hotel is that it's located right across from Finn Hall, which is Houston's equivalent to Assembly Hall.

Now for what I ate:

I was greedy for dinner the first night and got two entrees from Dish Society: steak tacos and seasonal grain bowl. Both are quite good, and Texas-sized portions. I evidently forgot that I can barely finish one portion, and ended up having the grain bowl for breakfast another day.

...

Breakfast the next morning was Amaya Coffee, which seems like a beloved local spot according to my limited research. The flat white was good, and the raison roll outstanding. I happen to like more bread-y pastries, but the highlight was properly hydrated raisons.

...

Next dinner was at Oddballs, a falafel spot in Finn Hall. I forgot to take cutlery and ended up eating this with my hands, which was a bit of a challenge. The falafels looked brightly green, not sure if it was blended with some herbs? Tasted good but not outstanding.

...

Last dinner was from the hotel. I ordered 'roasted salmon with spiced lentil stew", and the only accurate word in that name was the salmon. It was not roasted, but likely poached and had a salt & pepper crust. There was no lentil stew, but a seasoned buttery rice. Despite all that, this was very tasty and I would def order it again.

...

Final lunch was at One Flew South, which I finally got to try. Ordered an open meatloaf sandwich and it did not disappoint. The meatloaf was super umami tasting with a light texture. The sauce was quite acidic and offered a good balance with the other heavy elements of this dish. The bread could be improved upon, it could not support the weight of everything on it.

morning

The trick is actually just to put my camera on top of a shelf in the living room rather than in a cubby in the bedroom.

pray you're with me

if life is a movie scene, then here is my grand soliloquy

I am not amused that this song has no documented lyrics -_- I happen to be terrible at discerning lyrics based on just listening, and even if I understood one line, I can't string the whole song together. But based on the couple lines that I did piece together, I'm tempted to say that this song has the best lyrics out of the album.

maybe not today, and maybe not soon

A week of Peachy! songs as I've been listening to his new album on repeat for work:

zhu

I discovered that I can see trees after all!

rustle

The only sign of autumn that I see day to day. I do love the golden leaves contrasting the silvery tips.

hunt

Quite a late posting, but going to Machi Machi was a tale of third time's the charm:

Initial visit was a couple of days after their opening day, spurred by the fact that this is the shop featured in Jay Chou's latest music video. Alas it's the opening week of a bubble tea shop in Toronto, so of course there's an hour long line. Since Jeff and I no longer have the patience for this, we went to Bloom's instead and got a matcha double fromage cake:

...

Second visit was a rushed one, since Michael needed to drive back home. We arrived about 5 minutes before closing time but they were no longer letting new customers walk in -_- So instead we went to Chunyang:

...

The third and final visit was made walking back from Fat Lamb Kouzina. I got a oolong cream foam tea, which is really good but not outstanding. The store is adorable tho:

Fat Lamb Kouzina, on the other hand, was outstandingly good. They even sell Greek mountain tea!!

murr

It's not all that bad waking up around sunrise time

rue

I've been very slowly going though my Etiket samples, but here is my first impressions of the non-Amouage fragrances:

Arquiste boutonnière no 7
There's a brief citrus in the opening, and then it's glorious gardenia. Sometimes it's greener, sometimes it's sweeter. So far I don't detect the lavender. An hour in it's pretty linear and does not project much. It's also mostly a soft powdery sweet gardenia now, quite nice but not like the pure bliss of Chantecaille's Petals. It also does not fulfill the high expectations that I had based on Fleur de Louis. Will pass.

...

Zoologist Nightingale
Omg the opening smells very similar to Grossmith's Hana no Hatsu, not that much alike the Chinese mosquito repellent liquid, but otherwise so so similar. This is promising!! A couple minutes in, there is more of a powdery sweetness coming through. Uh oh. Mm then maybe some white florals? I'm optimistic again. There's also some soapy freshness, which I slightly like but think can also do without. There is a lot going on and I'm surprised that I'm unravelling the notes / accords. Perhaps there is something to show after about half a year of being into this hobby.

I wasn't paying attention while washing my hands and washed off most of the perfume off my wrists, so the floral heart was skipped over. But I'm not too sad since the base notes are the glorious oakmoss-y scent. Interestingly, when I look at the notes on fragrantica, I didn't smell any of the Rose (aw) or amber (phew). This is definitely on my full bottle list 😍

...

Hiram Green Dilettante
The opening has the greeness of a freshly cut branch of white flowers, but that quickly transitions from the branch into the heady white flowers. Almost like the flowers have fallen onto hot concrete. Perhaps this is the indolic smell typical of white flowers that people always talk about. There’s also some of the greeness in the back, it sort of helps the flowers project more...or sharper? Half an hour in the scent settled back into the freshly cut branch, this time more distinctively of orange blossom. There's not much more change after this. Overall it's enjoyable but not enough for me to want a full bottle.

...

Hiram Green Lustre
Yay another great fresh rose opening! There is a light veil of spice which surprised me, one because it exists and second because it’s light. All the other spicy roses that I’ve smelled all leaned heavy, with Penhaligon’s Duke being the previous lightest, but that’s like a medium texture compared to this. The spices quickly become strong, but still light, and the fresh rose becomes the structure for the spices to leap off of. Unfortunately, this scent effectively disappeared on me after about half an hour. Will have to test again but unlikely to purchase a full bottle even if performance is not an issue.

Second and third test both continue to disappear on me in about half an hour :( Hard pass.

Also an update on Penhaligon's Duke:

After trying Akro's Night with an overwhelming sweaty cumin note, the same note is all I notice in Duke now. Not sure if it's the cooler weather showing off the spice / cumin notes more, or it's because I'm super sensitized to cumin, but the overall result is that I no longer enjoy Duke at all.

...

Ormonde Jayne Osmanthus and Osmanthus Elixir
The opening of both smells very similar, the original EDP smells like luxurious soap lathered up, and the elixir smells like the face cream from the same line. It’s sweet, but not overly so, and definitely creamy, but not a dairy creamy. There’s a hint of something artificial smelling, maybe plastic, that ends each whiff. It’s not necessarily unpleasant, and perhaps it’s a musk note, but it’s what gives this scent a skincare product connotation. I get more of a floral impression, leaning towards jasmine, from the elixir. About 15min later, both have stronger floral notes, with the elixir still having more. This continued for an hour or so, by then I went to sleep. There was none of the scent left by the time I woke up. Overall, a pass for both.

구름이 피워낸 꽃

I also found a webtoon that solidly secured a place in my list of favourites within...18 chapters. The Flower That Was Bloomed By A Cloud. My feels at chapter 18 was exactly how I felt at the end of Knight Run's second prologue. The art is pretty, the characters are great, and the plot is set up soooo well for a tragedy! The characters are drawn with very subtly expressive faces, which seem to be a theme with Korean artists (namely Cheese in the Trap and all of Kim Yeon Joo's works). Most importantly, the point of differentiation is that the arc that transpire right before chapter 18 gives a legitimate reason for why Hong Lyon goes from:

to

kitsune

Okay I think I've found mu favourite Toronto restaurant, although it is a New York transplant: Raku

Food: udon is great, like really great. Noodle is not the traditional chewy and dense udon, it's like...pillow-y, similar to gnocchi. The broth is amazing, I can actually very clearly taste the smoky bonito. Jeff got the niku udon and the beef broth is delicious as well. It's regular downtown level of pricing, but the portions are large and very filling.

Decor: just my style, bonus points for their nice bathroom with a very nice hand soap that isn't Aesop or Le Labo.

...

Bonus photo of what I thought was very amusing: a tree in it's full autumnal glory in front of a wall with a birch forest graffiti

murr

A very late Thanksgiving weekend photolog:

Jeff and I cooked a meal for my parents. His contributions are the steamed fish, steamed shrimp topped tofu, stir fried gailan, and steamed eggplant with peanut sauce (all the steamed dishes gave my parents the false impression that his usual cooking is healthy), while my contribution is the radish braised beef, and tomato egg drop soup (I still stand that a long enough simmering can redeem the crappiest supermarket tomatoes)

We then drove up to Lagoon City:

More spectacular fall colours were actually seen on the way up as there were more woodlands along the highway. But I was asleep most of time. In fact the biggest win of that weekend was that I slept a lot, about 12 hours Friday night, 10 hours Saturday night, 14 hours Sunday night, and then 2 hours in the car. It honestly feels so good not being in a constant state of sleep deprivation, why did I do that to myself in university -_-

seven

Another day, another emerging sunset on Toronto's skyline:

wrinkle

Some recent eats:

I don't know why I continue to eat ramen in NA when they don't specialize in shio. This is tantan men from Hakkata Shoryuken Ramen, which is fine, but not shio ramen ;o; Luckily udon seems to be rising in popularity, so I plan on shifting my noodle consumption towards that.

North of Brooklyn has replaced Maker Pizza as my default for some time now, but it's only today that I really appreciated how good this pizza is. The bread is sooo good! The crust has such nice little blisters, but the inside crumb is still pleasantly soft and chewy. The topping is the initial attraction, but the bread is what makes one stay :)

My breakfast staple of oatmeals has a slight change, it's the same base of:

• oat - ⅓ cup
• chia seed - 2 tsp
• hemp seed - 2 tsp
• water - ⅔ cup

with toppings of:

• pumpkin seed and nut (walnut default), roasted and tossed with salt, sumac and turmeric
• honey
• splash of milk or plant milk
• dried fruits: my default is dried tart cherries, but it's pricey af so I've switched to cranberries which still maintains a hint of tartness. I've also done dried apple slices with gooseberry jam instead of honey

rich with all this love

bell

Having no signal on the subway gives me a good chunk of time to think on my way back from work. One day I was analyzing just why my goal(s) of regularly exercising is never, ever, accomplished. Aside from the fact that I find absolute no joy in the activity itself, since I figure all of the health benefits is enough to neutralize that hate.

I've always knew that the trick is to fit it into my schedule in some frictionless way, but I never successfully implemented that. I've tried making it the last thing I do before sleep, which didn't work because some nights I am way tired and easily makes the excuse to hold it off till the next day. I've tried not tying it to a particular time and just doing it as a study break, which did work for a good...2 or 3 month when I was in Bath, but eventually the irregular schedule overthrew my willpower. I considered scheduling it right after I come back from work, since I usually do have the energy to get through one chore, but that conflicts with days when I need to cook or wash my hair. Mornings are out of the question. Another big hurdle is that I hate sweating, so I want to shower after working out, but I don't want to shower twice, so exercising is constraint to before when I'd naturally shower.

Considering all that...my latest plan is to work out twice a week: after work on Wednesday and on a weekend day that I stay in. And if I happen to skip one, which will definitely happen, then I will actually try my hardest not to skip the next one. I might also try to just block off Wednesday evening to read as well, since I've not found a long undisturbed chunk of time for that.

straight

I quite like this mix of patterns

It is cooling down fast, suppose I should tally up my late summer / autumn wear count.

someone I use to see

joint

This (passed) week's meal prep, the incredible cabbage soup that I did not believe to taste so good:

Added lentils this time, lentils in soup is generally a good idea

I find that if I am cooking eggs alone (aka no other food to drop the water temperature more / act as more thermal mass), 7 minutes followed by immediate soaking in cold water results in well set whites with still jammy yolk. I use to do 6 minutes with an unquantified air resting period, which produces generally similar results but is less precise.

horsing around

I finaaaally finished watching all the current seasons (5) of Bojack Horseman, now I can go on the subreddit without fear of spoilers ;o; Stay tuned for thoughts.

flip

Toronto day & (white) night: