Raphael

Raphael is also real inspired by Hythlodeaus, mixed in with parts of how I envision my Azem is. Chronologically I wrote his backstory second, after Sariels, and his epilogue the most recently: 

When Raph was a simple young lad in conyberry, he was in love with a Neverwinter noble's daughter who resides in his village due to her poor health. To his surprise, she returned his feelings and they dated in secret. It was a simple romance with the purity that only first loves can have. Or so Raph thought.

The pair of lovers usually met in secrecy away from the eyes and ears of her few servants. He’ll sneak in through the window of her bedroom at dusk and they’ll spend the evening chatting away. The girl's health was improving month by month, and was soon summoned back to the City for a few weeks.

Raph missed her dreadfully while she was gone and longed for her return. And upon her return, he was overjoyed. Perhaps too happy. For he didn’t notice that she was acting a little more reserved than usual. Weeks went by and he slowly sensed something was amiss but dismissed the notion that anything was wrong. Again the foolish confidence that was only possible when a heart has never been broken before.

One evening, not unlike any other evening, he visits her house but finds her window locked. Peering into her window, he does not spot her in the bedroom. Alarmed, Raph immediately runs towards to the front of the house. He almost barges in the door before he realize he has no explanation for the servants' inevitable questioning as to why he would be there. Instead he decides to anxiously wait slightly down the road where some bushes can conceal his presence but still offer a clear view of her houses door.

An hour…two hour…Raph doesn’t actually know how much time passed but the sun has long set and stars have already come out. He suddenly sees the door open and an unfamiliar young man stepping out of the house. The young man bows and kisses his beloved's hand before leaving the other direction down the road. Raph’s mind is spinning in a million different directions, does he follow the unfamiliar man and demand to know what’s going on? Does he run to his beloved and demand the same? Frozen with anxiety, he does nothing but continue to crouch next to the bushes until the night deepens. Knowing the man is long gone and his beloved asleep, he slowly trudge home in a daze.

The next evening he approaches his beloved window, naively hoping last night was just a misunderstanding and surely there was a simple explanation for all that he witnessed. That he and his beloved can just go back to their blissful and innocent chats. But the shades are drawn… Raph pauses, feeling the anxiety overwhelm him. He tumbled forward and tried to open the window. The windows are locked. He bangs on the window before even realizing what he’s done. When he came to his senses, he hears the servants voices in her room and quickly runs away without even looking back. The next day, the day after that, for almost a whole week Raph goes to her house and finds the shades drawn and windows locked. Driven almost to madness, he resolves to make a formal visit.

A servant opens the door and eyes him with suspicion. Raph rattles off a seemingly convincing reason to see the mistress of the house. The servant reluctantly brings the girl to the front door. Upon seeing his beloved for the first time in almost a week, Raph felt all his anxieties melt away. It was no longer important to know what happened, he just needed to be with her again and everything will be alright.

He was just about to say something before the girl curtly said: “I’m sorry but who are you and what business do you have with me?” Raph distorts with shock and starts stammering, calling the girls name frantically. She grimaces for a second before turning away and asking the servant to show him out.

Raph spends the next few days in an even stronger daze. He was already behind on his farm work and now could barely concentrate on the simplest of tasks. He tried going back to her house multiple times, but now the servants don’t even answer the door. And one day the house was just empty. He didn’t even notice her moving out, nor did the other villagers provide any new information.

Raph wasn’t sure when the shock wore off and the anger started to appear. But somewhere, somehow, he became sure that the young man was a noble from Neverwinter and that they started a romance when she was away. But if he could just see her again, convince her that his love is far greater than that of some random noble, they can be happily together again.

He started working furiously on his farm to squeeze out some extra harvest so he can travel to the city. He did succeed on that, but could only manage to subside in the slum quarters. He roamed the streets aimlessly hoping to see his girl or the young man (not that he’d recognize him). Somewhere, somehow, he stumbled upon a suspicious character (well he too was a suspicious character at this point) that led him to discover devil and otherworldly inhabitants. Grasping at straws, but with focus that only comes with desperation, he studied the dark arts and manage to gain an audience with Levistus. Easily seduced by the promise of reuniting with his lost love, Raph very willingly offered his soul to the devil.

But of course Levistus didn’t give Raph anything helpful. Deceiving these idiotic humans was as basic as breathing. And to Raph’s credit, he quickly sobered up after the transaction and realized the gravity of his mistake. But the thing about humans, and really any race, is that they need hope to live. Doesn’t matter how small, even the tiniest spark is sufficient. So Raph hangs onto his will to live for the chance that he will meet his girl again. But his soul is gone and that is his first problem.

“Luckily”, Levistus doesn’t really care whose soul it is. So Raph brings him other souls. First the easy preys in slums, eventually other adventures in the same party. He puts on a cheerful and easy going mask, quick to befriend new adventures, blend into new parties. Everything to make the target feel at ease. Then all it takes is an accident, then that year’s quota is complete. Eventually this is just habit to him, the girl of his past an entirely meaningless symbol. His act is so convincing that he manages to fool himself most of the time. All until a young high elf joins his party.

...

Raph is once again annoyed by the vast difference in human and elfin lifespan. Since returning to his home village after few quick adventures without Sariel, he feels that his days are unbelievably long. Just how long does the adulthood ceremony take, after all a few years to elves probably feel like a few days to humans. It’s not fair that the two decades he spent traveling with Sariel feels so short in comparison. He can’t wait to see them again, to hear their voice throughout the day, to share simple meals, to confidently jump into battle fully trusting that they will always have his back. Also to finally let that dense idiot know that his fondness for them is beyond platonic, to loudly declare his love, to softly whisper it in their ears. Whenever Raph thinks of Sariel, which is all the time, he also is reminded of how much he’s changed. Now he’s actually become the person that Sariel thinks he is. A good person.

Raph is again lost in his longing as he slowly finishes his breakfast just as dawn breaks. Preparing for another long day in the fields, he allows his thoughts to remain with Sariel a little longer as he clears the table. But sudden loud clamours outside his rustic lodging interrupt his tender moment. The other villagers seem to be panicking, shrieks and screams fill the air. Raph’s senses immediately sharpen and he dashed towards his adventuring gear. After quickly donning his equipment, he rushes out the door. Whatever the trouble is, he will protect his village from it. After all, he is awfully looking forward to showing Sariel his hometown.

Sariel

And all of the previous post is a preamble to several backstories / epilogues that I wrote for characters I could play in D&D. It was real fun stringing their tales together...and accidentally picking angelic names for all of them.  

First up is Sariel, who is both first chronologically and who I'm currently playing in Jae's intro campaign. They are real inspired by Emet-Selch and I tried to bury blatantly stuff as many references as I can into the two short text: 

A very long time ago, before even reaching adulthood, Sariel left their home forest and traveled the lands. They met a curious human adventurer that defied all they've heard about the human race's inadequacies. The two quickly became the dearest of friends as they traveled together. But all journeys have their ends, and Sariel reluctantly bid their friend farewell as they returned home for their adulthood ceremony, promising to visit the friend's hometown afterwards. But when Sariel made good on this promise, what they found was not their friend's radiant smile but a town destroyed by war and their friend's corpse amongst other townspeople hung as a warning.

Sariel doesn't recall how they returned to their home, or much of what transpired in those hundreds of years since. Time passed by in a daze reading the vast collection of elfin literature. Most days filled with quiet despair and many nights with smoldering rage. Humans are indeed short sighted, malformed creatures that destroy everything good in misguided pursuits of empty goals.

The darkness dwelling in Sariel attracted the attention of an otherworldly fiend. They really didn't pay much attention to which demon it was, nor what the demon required of them to form a pact. None of this mattered since they will just spend the rest of their long lifespans in quiet isolation of the forest.

But as the end of Sariel's life actually approaches, it is clear that there remains the tiniest spark of hope in their chest that cannot be ignored. Hope that there are other humans like their friend, that there are good in humanity like their friend has made them believe in their youth. Sariel decides to set out on one last adventure to test this hope.

…

Sariel transformes themselves into an archlich to watch over the ruins of Conyberry. They cast an illusion so that from the outside it maintains the appearance of the ruins, but from the inside the village is reanimated as Raph described it from his childhood, now more than 700 years past. All the villagers that Raph described has been faithfully recreated, going about their daily lives. Sariel struggled only with Raph himself, creating and destroying the shade of his dearest friend every so often as his mood swings from unbearable longing and the chilling clarity that the shade cannot replace Raph no matter how identical in appearance and lifelike in its gestures and habits. But the few moments that they manage to fool themselves is worth it.

energy

I remember my high school journal had a page on the working definition of love. In fact I remember exactly writing it as (F*d)’ing Def’n. Unfortunately (or fortunately??) I don’t recall the actual content, and I haven’t made much progress in the 15ish years that’s passed. Rui and Rashik both contributed a similar practical criteria, which I’ll summarize as when you want the person to permeate your life.

All this preamble is leading to the topic of this post: the working definition of closure. Closure is when one arrives at a sufficiently satisfying narrative of the events that transpired.

A brief interlude down the memory lane again: Generation A, a book I read long ago. The book’s theme is on the power of storytelling. That power is what imbues the narrative that one constructs the ability to absolve yet preserve one’s lingering desperately held onto feelings. Sure is fitting that the quotation I noted down almost a decade ago is:

And then what do you do - do you pray? What is prayer but a wish for the events in your life to string together to form a story -  something that makes some sense of events you know have meaning.

And so I pray.

come back and haunt me

After the Porter/Madeon phase, and triggered by thinking of what songs I could sing at karaoke, I listened to Coldplay on repeat for several days. Specifically several songs from "Ghost Stories" and "The Scientist". "Yellow" is always going to be my favourite song from them, and favourite song in english, but oh boy is "The Scientist" a real close second now. 

crystal tower

Second try at embroidery as a hobby, this time just jumping into stitching one of my favourite in-game scene:

Based on the ugliest sketch and absolute blind faith that the fricxion pen will disappear when ironed…I (substantially) finished the crystal tower portion of what’s suppose to be a Lakeland/Crystarium embroidery (6” hoop). I'll blame the fact that Elidibus is messing with the tower geometry to pass time being trapped inside for the differences with the in-game model.

So far my thoughts are:

• Hand embroidery is plainly a labor of love
• It’s real hard to be in an ergonomic posture

I should save any reference images I find because there’s no guarantee Google will throw the same one at me time and time again.

Mansions of the Moon

Huh I was not expecting to find comfort or a turning point in my perspective in this book, but that did happen. In fact I didn't even remember what this book was about when it came to be my turn to borrow the book. I do have some familiarity with Siddhartha's story from Herman Hess' book, but it sure is interesting seeing the perspective of his wife. Glad gender equality is more of a thing here and now. 

If I send this void away / Have I lost a part of me?

 and the other on repeat:

Porter Robinson · Something Comforting

you were the aftermath

Been very much in a mood for Porter & Madeon these past weeks, still listening to the Good Faith megamix a ton, but also repeating a couple of songs:

Porter Robinson · Mirror

un coeur en mai

So many things are in bloom and that is really nice.

Am also very excited to wear my summer clothes. 

nourish

Really tasty things I ate recently:

• Latte with tonka bean syrup, absolutely delicious combination
• Tachi, best value (and just perhaps best but I was feeling real awful during LA so not a fair comparison) omakase I've had. Standouts: scallop, ebi, marinated salmon, akami, and anago.
• Au Comptoir MarCel, very surprisingly great restaurant in Magog, the saving grace of my first week back at work
• and a bonus of < $5 poutine at Restaurant Charles Luncheonette

Babylon's Ashes

Still working my way through The Expanse series, there are more books in it than I thought haha. The sixth book feels similar to Stormblood, lots of different povs and very political. 

Humanity hadn't changed, but it had. The venality and the nobility, the cruelty and the grace. They were all still there. It was just the particulars he felt shifting away from under him. Everything he'd fought for seemed to belong to a different man in a different time. 

hanami

Opps forgot to post sakura photos from way before:

I somehow ended up seeing the blossoms at all the locations this year: UofT (teeny buds), high park (bigger buds), queens park (full bloom), and trinity park (post bloom).

if only you were here

This song reminds me of Solanin and I don't know how to feel about that.

Meaning of love, the touch, the theory of relativity
It all seems so unreal to me
Like a pipe dream in my mind

By the time I grow up, will we ever meet?
By then, will I know the meaning of thousands of love songs?

But love was not a revolution or frustration or catastrophe
Love was you

The way you laughed somehow resembled loneliness
The way you sang reminded me of a glow in this morning's sky
Rather than humans acting thousands of years from now
I'd love to see you laugh with a face no one knows yet

What I don't have, what I don't have
Is what you are made of
You make me who I am
You're gonna laugh when I say this, right?
I wanna see that face even

This heart I used all for myself until the day you came along
You cut in and caused this trouble, a big traffic jam

But then you'd say the word
The very word I needed in this whole universe

Your speaking voice sounded like my mother humming
Your silence made me see the stillness of the night
I don't mind what color the earth be thousands of years from now
I'm laughing with a face no one knows

Hundreds and thousands of times already
You've seen me, you've heard me, but I bet you don't know

"If only you were here, if only you were here"
No matter how horrendous the words that follow may be
I'll embrace those words in my arms
The despair I see with you will shine brighter
Than the hope without you

Wauling Pond

I tried for a 小龍女 theme with the seiryu katana...and somehow got this. Was hoping the panthean body had the translucent part similar to the tank body, but no dice. And full radiant was too heavy on the dragon part, which I don't like being an au ra already (although I did swap out the head piece in my smn glam for the radiant caster head). It's fine ig...onto byakko next.

Singing Shards

I'm real glad I like the new glowy ruby weapon extreme index, very not up to completing another relic weapon for a class I may not play much. Did enjoy the smn job quests tho, it felt most connected to MSQ, that or I'm just very happy to see ascians again, even if its the annoying black masked ones that ought to respect my identity as Azem ahahaa.