of

A decent amount of therapy sessions later, I don't really have a good sense of where I'm at but there's been progress at least? Maybe that sentence could have ended with a period. The previous sentence could also be more definitive. I'm stalling. 

The theme of this year was set as playful, and in some aspects I've achieved it. But the theme really ended up being survival. I am chuckling at the fact that both themes originated from Max, ha. 

Helpful realizations that I had during therapy and journaling afterwards:

• Have I always (well, always being from highschool) high functioning anxiety? I suppose this is suppose to bring some amount of relief from being able to place a name on it but somehow I don't feel good about this fact. 
• I do a shit load of comparison. Can I blame my parents for this, they always say to compare myself to the people that are better too. Is toxic self improvement or productivity a buzzword?
• Depression is currently mostly feeling like performative emotions. We started with thought processing in terms of challenging self-talk, but oh boy do I also need emotional processing. I end up feeling the emotions that arise from judging my actual emotions. 

A loosely sorted list of coping mechanisms or things I do that helps me feel better: 

• curled up on the floor in a corner
• music, loudly playing
• yoga
• sleep, this would be on the top of the list if it came easier*
• fashion youtube videos
• inertia to keep working
• nuggies, really this having a concrete and controllable thing to feel bad instead of generally lol
• mindless scrolling reddit or online shops

*well falling asleep is becoming easier after yoga. I also realized I knew how to meditate all alone, it was what I do to fall asleep on subways. 

One quotation that I really like from Hyperbole and a Half:

But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn’t going work.

Songs that were repeatedly played while high on anxiety/depression:

 

2022 clothes

I've not been able to gather sufficient motivation to write a quantitative summary for my clothing wears this year, so here is at least a qualitative one.

Very good buys in 2022:

• Patagonia fanny pack - perfect for the lack of pockets in the summer
• Coperni extension skirt - the perfect black mini skirt period.
• Uniqlo U heat tech mockneck - an excellent combination of words, would get in more colors
• Faris silver duet ring - default silver ring set, t'was expensive but the cost per wear should be palatable if I actually tracked jewelry stats too
• sunflower woven bucket hat - the best impulse purchase this year, many compliments and rightly so
• Patagonia fitz roy down jacket - I didn't realize how convenient a short down jacket is

Old MVPs:

• Uniqlo black jeans - the basic skinny jeans with some stretch, been eying different jean cuts but can I really get away from this?
• JNBY wool pants - I am sooo appreciating the elastic waist and looser legs. Why did I not buy a second pair? Kinda sucks that the ankle opening is small enough and positioned so that it doesn't work with most of my boots :(
• Adidas Stan Smiths - essentially the same comment as the Uniqlo jeans. But I did finally break in my CPs this year, can wear it out for an entire day now without it breaking the skin at the back of my ankle
• Everlane loafers - again the same comment as Uniqlo jeans, but at least I'm gonna try to find better loafers
• Skye crisp blue dress - a surprising one, but the fabric feels great when its hot and humid out and the cut is very adjustable depending on how I tie the waist

I did not abide by the # of new pieces rule (14/8), or a even ratio of small/local/sustainable brands vs others. Honestly a lot of the things I bought was stress/depression shopping, but its good enough that I can still get that dopamine hit and like the pieces after. 

The biggest change this year is the...shedding the concept of dressing to fit in (I suppose as a young adult / office worker) and moving towards dressing what I feel like, which is taking several directions. Simultaneously interested in looser/oversized silhouettes and tighter/strappier items. While I think wardrobe cohesion is overrated, having distinct styles does mean a larger wardrobe and higher expenditure which is the real problem LOL. 

Some things I would like to pick up:

• a baseball cap or two
• the thick soled C&J loafers I've been eying ever since they got released
• slouchy double breasted coat...like the Max Mara madame coat but ouch the price tag
• Uniqlo U airism tees once the colour I want is back in stock and is on sale

luna

 By far the most beautiful axe and possibly my favourite weapon in the game outside of the Hades series:

brilliance

More shiny little things. I am pretty happy with the quality of Monica Vinader and Missoma:

sol

 Some tea in soft winter sunlight and a nice scene in outer la noscea:

inferno

 A Halloween / hellish glam for the longest night of the year:

The lighting in Bowl of Embers is the best. ever. I literally did not have to put on any additional light. 

2022 readings

Yikes the last book I posted about was at the end of September, and how fitting that it's No Longer Human ha... 

I was totally surprised, like pikachu shook level, that feeling depressed meant I could not read books. Could not as in no motivation, no interest, and a complete lack of concentration to actually not be able to read. Not even manga! I still tabs of 3 series I mean to read (Beastars, Tokyo Revengers, and Martial Arts Masters <- alright this one is a webnovel but by my fav author!) open for months.

But I did recently finish Status and Style. Also surprised that it's a rather rigorous non-fiction that managed to win over depression. It is by the author of Ametora which is like legendary in #menswear, and entirely the reason why I was initially interested. No part in particular stood out to me, but overall a topic I'm glad to have read. It does deepen my appreciation for like...rap lyrics lol.

Then I picked a terrible follow-up, Salmon Wars. Not that it's badly written in any way. It's even on a topic I tend to read about (big agribusiness and social/environmental impacts). But boy is it depressing to read. I will probably finish it by pacing myself...(I did finish, what an accomplishment).

But here is the list of all the books I read earlier in the year! Definitely accomplished my goal of 35+ books~

1. The Overcoat - Nikolai Gogol
2. Telling Lies - Paul Ekman
3. Big Summer - Jennifer Wiener
4. Glorious Frazzled Beings - Angelique Lalonde
5. Like Water for Chocolate - Laura Esquivel
6. A Deadly Education - Naomi Novik
7. You Are Eating a Orange, You Are Naked - Sheung-King
8. We Want What We Want - Alix Ohlin
9. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone - Lori Gottlieb
10. How to Pronounce Knife - Souvankham Thammavongsa
11. Speak, Silence - Kim Echlin
12. The Strangers - Katherena Vermette
13. Barely Functional Adult - Meichi Ng
14. Crying in H Mart - Michelle Zauner
15. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
16. Life in the City of Dirty Water - Clayton Thomas-Muller
17. The Border - Erika Fatland
18. Project Hail Mary - Andy Weir
19. Between Two Fires - Joshua Yaffa
20. Attached - Amir Levine
21. The Three-Body Problem - Cixin Liu
22. Depression Hates a Moving Target - Nita Sweeny
23. Portrait of a Thief - Grace D. Li
24. Pachinko - Min Jin Lee
25. Toxic Positivity - Whitney Goodman
26. The Final Empire - Brandon Sanderson
27. Olga Dies Dreaming - Xochitl Gonzalez
28. The Last Graduate - Naomi Novik
29. Marry Him - Lori Gottlieb
30. From Triggered to Tranquil - Susan Campbell
31. Leviathan Wakes - James. S. A. Corey
32. Between Two Kingdoms - Suleika Jaouad
33. Dopesick - Beth Macy
34. Minor Feelings - Cathy Park Hong
35. How High We Go in the Dark - Sequoia Nagamatsu
36. No Longer Human - Omasu Dazai
37. The Dark Forest - Cixin Liu
38. Emotional - Leonard Mlodinow
39. Why We Sleep - Matthew Walker
40. The Well of Ascension - Brandon Sanderson 
41. Polysecure - Jessica Fern
42. Status and Culture - W. David Marx
43. Salmon War - Douglas Frantz & Catherine Collins
44. Hyperbole and a Half - Allie Brosh
45. The Bastard's Betrayal - Katee Robert 
46. Death's End - Cixin Liu

elysion

Finished my first tribe quests and its so heartwarming ;o; Was not expecting such a good story. N-7000's line (since its illegible at the size): "though the dead are gone, what they left behind lives on in the realm of infinite possibility.."

...

I also really like randomly coming upon sightseeing spots, one day I will intentionally go after them all (including the ARR ones that gotta be done in order -_-)

gcds

The first time I'm so captivated by the bgm of a runway show, it seems to be created for the show too?

Fringes

I avoided tribe quests for a long time cause they felt super grindy in ARR and I truly can't stand ff14 moogles, but have actually really enjoyed the Omnicron questline. The story is excellent, no surprise. It made me go back and start the DoW/M quests from stormblood on (also motivated because I don't like tanking dungeons but still wanna finish leveling WAR). I'm glad it takes place in the Gyr Abania region cause I really like the visuals of the field maps now that I've gotten over my trauma from the aether currents. 

...

Also slowing making my way through the variant dungeon:

we can ask the past to take us back

I realize I like listening to Rezz much more on a lower volume, which is surprisingly since I like my thump-y bass. A new favourite:

Smithereens

The three things I have to say about Joji's new album:

1. I like how everything sounds
2. Each track is a little short to listen to on repeat one
3. But the transitions between some tracks make it a little jarring to listen to as a full album too

Aside from Yukon which is my clear favourite but also released as a single beforehand, I don't have a strong preference between the rest of the songs. "Before the Day is Over" and the first part of "BLAHBLAHBLAH DEMO" is most often what I feel like listening to. 

doman enclave

 A most on theme gatherer glam / location combo:

suan

I don't really remember when was the last time I made a Chinese dish that is like...not self contained aka meant to be eaten with rice and other dishes. Probably a mapo tofu months and months ago. The format just do not lend itself well to cooking for one. But the specific combination of leftover vegetables lent itself well to making a 魚香茄子 and cabbage with vinegar (why I type one name is Chinese and the other in English I have no idea). I am heavy handed on the vinegar in both dishes, it makes it very 下飯!

In other meal news, made a curry with lentil and an unbelievable amount of spinach. Feels so nourishing to eat a lot of vegetables ^^

Zot

Ok this is the 3rd glam I made for dnc's Hades weapon, and like each before (1, 2), I like it a lot now. BUT I do think the most canon Ktiseos/Shadowless body pieces are the best fit. 

I sure do wish there was a slider for toggling the strength of battle effects.

shetland

Welp another outfit from Permanent Style that I am crushing on and its making me want a cool brown v neck sweater, preferably with speckled yarn. I've been so good at not wanting any new sweaters cause I can't afford the responsible enough cashmere that I want, minus the one cream cardigan I got from Patagonia as it's recycled cashmere. I have also been kinda avoiding brown clothes since its a difficult color to buy online, slight color inaccuracy make a big difference. 

Previous PS inspo: 1, 2

hoof

It has been a long time since I thought of "end game" pieces for a category of clothing. Like everything else, I can blame the lockdown for like 60% of my pieces being unworn for a few years. Plus the change in my aesthetic preferences afterwards. But for boots, my one true love, I think I have a new line up to present:

• Crocket & Jones Grace boots
• Crocket & Jones Holly boots, because yes, I have finally accepted the fact that I cannot get Zonkeys. Will be forever salty about this fact but it's not gonna prevent me from getting a pair of jodphurs anymore. To be purchased whenever I go to the UK next. 
• Chunky soled chelsea boots, the BV ones look great, but I cannot stomach its price tag. There's also massive amounts of very-similar-but-the-subtle-differences-(namely the toe shape)-bother-me-a-ton options out there. Like I just want a mid-end option, like C&J, that's not luxury level mark-up but also not fast fashion quality.  Was very sad when Doc Martens didn't work for me, I seem to be in between sizes and cannot get use to their extra padding at the ball of the feet. 
• Maison Margiela Tabi boots, hnnnng. When my Hope Mac boots die these will take their place.
• Stuart Weitzman Sindy suede thigh high boots
• Stuart Weitzman Loonie suede sock boots
• Obligatory snow boots, I don't see my LL Bean ones ever dying on me. 

In other news, I'm also accepting that my Acne Jensens are too small (really my Charlotte Olympia kitty flats are too but at least that's suppose to be worn bare feet), and listed it for re-sale. Hopefully someone bites. Note to self, do not buy 35s even if that is a snug fit. Still hoping my CPs will stretch a bit more, I'm less hesitant to wear them out all day now. 

Loafers wise...I will most likely be happy with Crocket & Jones Julia fringe with vibram sole and Boudain & Lange string loader in black napa. 

plum spring

I really am stuck on good locations for the shiny Titania weapons... but here is the dnc set!

It's way more satisfying gposing just for posting on the blog since I don't have to consider clearly showing the glam. I also really like animations that spin and twirl ahaha. 

saint fathric's temple

Sigh I'm not entirely satisfied with the location choice(s) for this glam but didn't want to delay it anymore. It's kinda kitchsy to borrow the wings from Lyhe Ghiah but I have no motivation to finish island sanctuary and buy the wings fashion accessory. Let's just say its in the spirit of Halloween (which is actually when the screenshots were taken). 

Got super lucky with the wing drop before my break, then got super lucky again right after. By super lucky I mean like less than 5 runs in that party, and maybe only 4 PF parties in total? AND the 2nd time there was 3 wing drops in a row, that's even better than that one fc Suzie farm where 4 of us got mounts. All and all I'd kill for similar luck with Hades ;o; 

dome

I don't know if the better way to deal with bouts of anxiety is to lean-in to not being able to do anything and rest (then feel bad about many unproductive hours), or distract myself with whatever I was suppose to do. Another question piled up for therapy. 

Ramzoid · Geotheory - Aphrodite (Ramzoid Remix)

punch

My monks were looking a little shabby but after some conditioning (not even colored polish) it is looking mighty good for being 8 years old. This is probably my oldest pair of shoes now? Granted there were a few years (like from 2018 to earlier this year) that I barely wore it. 

the dusk vigil

I surprised myself by making another drg glam, Finally using the diamond spear I've had in my inventory for more than a year.

my argues possessive, it got you precise

This is my favourite song by him?? It just sounds so good and is satisfying to sing along with the chorus. 

mill

Is this an inflection point? Was actually kinda excited to cook this:

Not revolutionary but entirely from my own head. Sauteed onion & kale, with chickpea & couscous, dressed with a spiced (cumin & coriander) tahini sauce, and finished with paprika & olive oil. 

And now a dump of dishes I made probably months ago that I never found the motivation to post:

• French-ish lentil salad with grilled halloumi cheese
• Veg stir fried sweet potato noodle
• Steamed egg with broccoli 
• Taiwanese 露肉飯 and cabbage with dried shrimp paste
• Omelette with preserved radish, soft tofu and herbs (I think?? Its been a very long time and frankly hard to tell from the photo)

ytz

I'm slightly peeved that there's probably not enough flights I can take for work before the end of the year to hit 25K status for next year :( But then again work travel is so tiring, at least the Montreal trips are out of island. 

run away, but we're running in circles

 ^ such a mood...

I'm still waiting wide awake for the waves to come and take / take me right to you

I barely get the references in "White Iverson" (the mumble -y style will forever remind me of Jay Chou's early style regardless of the recent popularity of mumble rap), but the line of following to hell/back (and the idiom in general?) instantly made me think of Orpheus.

elpis

I did also commission another piece of my whm ShB relic glam before taking a break and finally received it a few weeks ago. Another expansion, another commission~ I had the lovely Trang bookmarked for a while and finally saw on reddit that commission was open then immediately jumped on it! Super happy with the result :D

vallis vulneris

And I'm back to ff! Hopefully more casually this time, should be easy since it's taking a lot of willpower to play. But once I do open the game inertia takes over welp. I mean, so many glams to make (finally made a second drg glam, winter themed). 

A sunset screenshot I forgot to post before taking a break, and one phoinix special because I won't be getting the even cooler P8S mount. 

now he got me on a leash 'cause we said no strings

Am very late to the Post Malone party but after hearing "I Like You" play during a uber ride I am a fan. For some reason he gives me Epik High vibes, but like there's not really much similarities if I think about it.

Latest album is a mood tho, especially "Reputation", got me through two very low energy work days:

hue

Some scattered autumn colors: