of

A decent amount of therapy sessions later, I don't really have a good sense of where I'm at but there's been progress at least? Maybe that sentence could have ended with a period. The previous sentence could also be more definitive. I'm stalling. 

The theme of this year was set as playful, and in some aspects I've achieved it. But the theme really ended up being survival. I am chuckling at the fact that both themes originated from Max, ha. 

Helpful realizations that I had during therapy and journaling afterwards:

• Have I always (well, always being from highschool) high functioning anxiety? I suppose this is suppose to bring some amount of relief from being able to place a name on it but somehow I don't feel good about this fact. 
• I do a shit load of comparison. Can I blame my parents for this, they always say to compare myself to the people that are better too. Is toxic self improvement or productivity a buzzword?
• Depression is currently mostly feeling like performative emotions. We started with thought processing in terms of challenging self-talk, but oh boy do I also need emotional processing. I end up feeling the emotions that arise from judging my actual emotions. 

A loosely sorted list of coping mechanisms or things I do that helps me feel better: 

• curled up on the floor in a corner
• music, loudly playing
• yoga
• sleep, this would be on the top of the list if it came easier*
• fashion youtube videos
• inertia to keep working
• nuggies, really this having a concrete and controllable thing to feel bad instead of generally lol
• mindless scrolling reddit or online shops

*well falling asleep is becoming easier after yoga. I also realized I knew how to meditate all alone, it was what I do to fall asleep on subways. 

One quotation that I really like from Hyperbole and a Half:

But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn’t going work.

Songs that were repeatedly played while high on anxiety/depression: