tuck you in

Good night

could be

Two quotations that are my current mantra:

"We are here and it is now. The way I see it, after that, everything tends towards guesswork." via Small Gods

&

"Le vent se leve, il faut tender de vivre" via The Wind Rises

I came very close to ordering a customizable engraved cuff bracelet with these two quotations, but did not click the add to cart in the end. Instead I bought more perfume samples "orz The danger of being in the US is the vastly greater availability of products, especially products with shipping restrictions. The urgency to buy everything before returning to Toronto feel so real. 

They say tomorrow is another sunrise / Those rainclouds tell me otherwise

^ alt: Because there’s no correct answer

I might not be the one / Could you settle for half

If I had to pick a favourite song out the album, it'd be this, but I'll only choose with a gun to my head.



...

Sighhh. I guess acceptance mainly involves sitting with all the emotions. This song particularly hurts a lot.

nose

Went to the Van Gogh exhibit at the Museum of Fine Art Houston today. I did not take seriously the warning that it is a popular exhibit, and was unpleasantly surprised by the crowd that showed up. Roughly waited an hour to get in, which didn't bother me, but it was so crowded and consequently noisy inside the exhibit, which bothers me a ton. The experience aside, the works in the exhibit focused on Van Gogh's earlier works, which I've not seen. Out of what's shown, I was drawn to his wheat field paintings, "undergrowth", and "roses and peonies". I wanted to get prints of these, because they'd be perfect to display along with my future bottles of perfume, but alas most prints were sold out. So off I went to the internet and found good enough resolution of the images (not printing large anyways), bonus for a bit of savings. Something like this:

Back tracking to the start of the day, I had brunch at BB's Tex-Orleans, since I'm not making it to New Orleans any time soon despite being in the closest proximity to the city ever. The half-half combo is the perfect portion size for me, which is such a rarity in Texas:

Fried catfish po-boy with chicken gumbo

and back to the museum.
I was so drained by the end of the exhibit that I just wanted to head home. But alas I persevered onto one more exhibit because of sunken-cost (or rather sunken-time). Luckily, the rest of the museum is serene:

There's a giant screen playing a video of a kitten licking a water bowl in the upstairs space to the left

Will be back to explore the other parts of the museum in May or June. Gotta take advantage of free admission from BoA (y)

just want to hide under the blankets and look on

^ alt: I wish you eternal sunshine

...

sigh

room

Backlog of food I've made:

 First lunch in Houston: the always reliable potato salad

Although this version wasn't very good. I could only carry so much grocery home during the first visit so I didn't get vinegar or mustard. Instead I used the pickle juice as the sour component...and it wasn't very sour. The pickles themselves were mushy too :(

 Cauliflower & chickpea masala via Budget Bytes

I liked it better without the cream, but then it won't be saucy enough to dip the fake naan (flour tortilla).

 Hot oil scallion noodles with spinach

Still haven't dialled in the muscle memory for pouring the right amount of oil. So far I've been pouring too much. I blame my dad's influence, and I'll repeatedly tell the story of him using up the remaining half bottle of oil when he visited me for 2 weeks while the previous half lasted me like 4 months. But since going back to China at the end of last year, I've been more heavy on my use of oil and salt, perhaps why (coupled with eating out in America) that I have high cholesterol D:

Curried lentils with spinach and coconut milk via Alexandra's Kitchen

This dish reminds me of something I made often in Bath, although that had sweet potato as well. These 4 are a winning combination.

you’ll become a hallucination,

lyrics

Honestly this album takes most of the credit for getting me through last week, and especially this song for getting me through the evening a week ago.

tonka

I've been down in the rabbit hole of perfume blogs (currently in the archives of Bois de Jasmin, previously The Perfume Shrine), and to say that I feel overwhelmed is an understatement. This is a familiar feeling, like when I was digging through MarshalN on pu-er.

(Short interlude, David recommended this MTG color personality framework and I was initially unsure what I am. However, this post, and I think myself in general, is quite blue/white. Although certain situations I act in more green or black ways).

So I've come up with two rules to guide my exploration:

• Sample by brand: read about its philosophy / history and get a discovery set of samples. Ideally it's a locally available brand and I can visit their counter and chat with SAs (and hopefully score free samples). I'm arbitrarily limiting this activity to once a year, for both the sake of having a fuller wallet and also it'll probably take that long to use up the samples.
• Buy the full bottle if and only if: (1) brand aligns with me, (2) bottle design is to my preference, and (3) I like the scent and it doesn't induce a headache*

The theme are slowly and methodically-ish. In fact, I see very strong parallels between how I approach tea and perfume. The generally accepted strategy is sample widely and be very choosy about buying the full size. I'm surprised that the tea community haven't adopted an equivalent term for full bottle worthy (although there is the reverse of "a cake is the sample").

I'm not yet setting a limit on full bottle purchases, and am not against owning multiples of the same scent family (I already envision myself with many vetiver-centric perfumes). I'm also undecided on whether I want to develop slots for seasonality or activities (equivalent of assessing your wardrobe for "holes" and then shopping to fill those in). That said, I am brainstorming a good scent for humid summers, something like Jo Malone's Wood Sage and Sea Salt. Maybe I should just get that...but will need to test for longevity.

Ah, that's another of my important criteria, I want my scents to last. Have small projection (or to use the proper term, sillage), but last a very long time. It's nice to catch a sniff of the scent throughout the day. I'm quite happy that both Lord George and Jasminora actually lasts until the next day, even after my long hot showers.

Lastly, I want to be less precious with what I own. I have the same problem with my tea stash, saving my nicer wu-yi and pu-er for when I can sit down for an uninterrupted session. Well, that was rare and will be exceedingly rare now that I've finally started full time work. I'll still obviously save my best teas (eg. W2T's white whale, which is sold out), but I've started drinking a ~10 y.o. yiwu that I took from China grandpa style at work. Am I realizing the tea's full potential? Of course not, but not drinking the tea at all is literally infinitely worse. What this translate to my fragrance collection currently is using my Aveda Chakra 3 as a home scent, on towels, beddings, etc. Perhaps with enough use I'll Pavlov-dog myself into associating it with home and unwinding.



*I'm starting to question my assumption that it's the scent that's inducing a headache, it could also be dehydration, since in both times when this happened (that I remember clearly), I've been out for a while and did not drink enough water. So I'm revising my theory to be that scents are a trigger but dehydration is the underlaying cause.

wishing upon the night sky / but who would listen?

Click through to lyrics, my way of showing some support to the translator.

Also sad that there's no official audio up yet :(

Buffalo Bayou

A rare day in Houston where the weather is appropriate for being outdoors, hurray!

...

My neighbourhood is also in bloom!

rose

I bought Lord George over the weekend and thus began my descent down the rabbit hole:

I made an internal pact with myself that I wouldn't buy any perfume until I got my hands on Ford George, as a pre-emptive control on my spending since perfumes are stupidly expensive. So now the gates have opened... Although I did develop a minor headache, so gonna pause until I'm sure this hobby won't be a health hazard "orz

The Saks at Galleria (otherwise quite underwhelming) has an amazing selection of perfumes, especially the popular niche brands. I spent a long time in store with the SA for L'artisan parfumeur and Penhaligon sampling these two brands. She was very patient and gave me a whole bunch of take-home samples before I even bought the full bottle. Glad she got commission from my purchase, worth the extra $20 in price difference between Saks in store (Lord George isn't on their website for some reason) and Penhaligon's official US site. Will hold off more purchases (really liked Sohan) until I make it to the duty free in Heathrow ;_;

L'artisan parfumeur samples:

• Venenum
• Tenebrae
• Mirabilis
• Passage d'enfer
• L'eau d'ambre extreme
• Timbuku
• Mandarina corsica

and 3 samples of Penhaligon: Iris Prima, The Duke, and Sohan

...

Actually I lied. Before buying Lord George, I was at Aveda buying hair products and bought their Chakra 3, which is a fragrance product. It smells pretty darn close to their dry remedy line, which I love the herbal-y scent of. Surprisingly the actual ingredients are lemon balm and lavender, which totally doesn't match my impression xD  

sleepless

I was so excited for the Epic High's new album to drop on Monday...but work got busy and I didn't listen to it until today. I knew I was gonna like it from its title (so relatable), but I didn't except to like  every song. The tunes are slightly electronic-y and jazz-y, while the lyrics are super relatable and clever. This is literally the first album I've bought as a whole (on iTunes, I've bought physical albums back in the days haha).

Let's listen in order:



Do you have trouble sleeping
Do you have nightmares
Are you heartbroken
Do you feel down
depressed, hopeless
Do you miss someone
Do you find that things
you once enjoyed
no longer interest you
Are you lonely

Are you always
sleepless
I dare you to tell me that you don't relate, and that this doesn't make you want to continue listening

lyrics via Epik High Translations, the always reliable tumblr, I am super thankful for its existence

carton

Some random brainstorming for my resolution #7: leading a low waste lifestyle, sparked by a new podcast I'm listening to called Green Dreams. It's a rare positive prespective on sustainability (part of the tagline is "thriving in every sense of the word"), which I desperately need cause I feel super apathetic about us ending a mostly livable planet in 30 years :D

Back on topic:

So far I've decided to stop buying body wash and use soap instead.
Now this is super low effort, and also super low impact because I don't use much body wash...so it's a cute starting point but that's about it.

The next step, also small, is to reduce my sheet mask usage. This resolution has been brought up many times on /r/asianbeauty and it decently adopted by the community. I'll phase it in 3 parts:

1. Stop buying new sheet mask until I've used up my stash
2. Only buy masks that I really really like, which at this point is L'herboflore because the fit is perfect, and the essence absorbs nicely
3. Not buy any at all

To be honest...I don't think I want to completely quit sheet masking because it does wonders giving emergency hydration to my skin. I can drastically cut down on its usage (not that I go through them very fast currently), but am unlikely to abstain from them. As the aforementioned podcast says, to live sustainably in the current society is to live inconveniently because on a high level capitalism values selfish actions.

Other ideas for cosmetics:

• Buy the largest size possible (eg. shampoo / conditioner)
• Choose products with refill packs. Honestly I don't get why Muji haven't jumped on offering refills for their skincare items in store when you can bring in an empty product bottle.

and that's about all I can think of. Well there's buying things in recyclable packaging, but my top priority is using effective products, and I'm not willing to compromise that to reduce waste. At this point you may wonder why a low waste lifestyle is even a goal since it doesn't seem that I care / am committing all that much. My answer would be to hit all the low hanging fruits and see how much impact that makes. Most blogs on this topic tends to be quite hardcore, so I'd like to go the mvp route. Maybe I'll get into it (and convince people that I live with also to get into it), or maybe it'll just be these little things.

...

On low waste in other areas of life:

• My food waste...is probably below average but not as low as it can be. Eg. I don't save all my veg scraps to make stock. But I also don't generate much waste to begin with since I buy mostly produce and not too much packaged food items.
• I'm half-heartedly trying to online shop less, although I've read mixed opinions on whether online shopping is more environmentally friendly, but at least I personally have less packing material waste to deal with by reducing online shopping. 
• A big win is all the pads that I no longer use now with the IUD. Saves money & waste :D
• A small win is always bringing a reusable bag to grocery shopping, and using less of the clear plastic bags for individual produce
• Need to be more vocal about declining plastic straws / utensils / bags / other freebies

For the months I'm in Houston, my goal is to empty my main trash bin only once a month. 

19.02 Monthly Review

I've stopped doing my daily / weekly reflections in the last week of February, for 2 reasons:

• I was stressed (for moving) and dead tired (poor quality sleep) so my limited energy went to...
• finishing The Wave before having to return it to Atlanta's public library before my move

I don't feel bad for dropping the bulk of my system, because its suppose to be helping my wellbeing and I've come to reassess my goals with it. I set up the system mostly based on the content from the Goal Setting workshop, which is very focused on how you can be a more productive person. Frankly I don't have that much buy-in to being more productive, because I've never not been decently productive. My work is also very structured (a minor civil engineering pun :p ) so I don't need much beyond the Trello board thatI've set up. Then my leisure time outside of work...is leisurely haha, so no focus on being productive. I also have pre-existing systems set up for cooking / eating and clothing / cosmetics, so "the system" is mostly irrelevant. 

So I'm dropping the daily and weekly reflections. I did like the first question in my weekly reflection of "what was the most profound moment that happened this week", but I can easily make a post about that here. It was also helpful at times to jot down my daily wins and challenges, but the majority of days I've stared blankly at my screen trying to fill in the questionnaire. Now this can easily, and perhaps rightly, interpreted as I'm not being reflective enough. But the truth is at this point in my life, that is really not a priority. I'm just really tried and want to take it easy for a while, fall into a rhythm, and enjoy some stability. 99% sure that this lull will stop at some point in the near future (maybe a year or two) and then I'll be energized and motivated and ready to take on a full system. But in the 1% chance that it doesn't happen, well I'll be content with my life and that's cool too. 

But I'll keep the unstructured monthly reflection, and will still attempt an annual reflection at the end. My goals (or most of them) are still relevant and important, so those will still get tracked and reported on...next month :) 

This month is to recuperate by catching up with my youtube and manga backlog (hurray wifi!), and eat some good food in Houston.

The Waves

The last book I've read in Atlanta...and will be the last book I read in a while.

I picked this up since it was quoted a lot in All the Bright Places, and true to its reviews everywhere, it's a hard read because the style was so experimental. It felt like reading As I Lay Dying. Luckily I came across a passage that I liked early in the book, or else I probably would've dropped it.

When I heard you cry I followed you, and saw you put down your handkerchief, screwed up, with its rage, with its hate, knotted in it. But soon that will cease. Our bodies are close now. You hear me breathe. You see the beetle too carrying off a leaf on its back. It runs this way, then that way, so that even your desire while you watch the beetle, to possess one single thing (it is Louis now) must waver, like the light in and out of the beech leaves; and then words, moving darkly, in the depths of your mind will break up this knot of hardness, screwed in your pocket handkerchief.
...
"But when we sit together, close," said Bernard, "we melt into each other with phrases. We are edged with most. We make an unsubstantial territory."

The last line is a good summary of Bernard's character, which is the most fully developed of the 6.

Overall, I understood little of the book, but did enjoy what I did understand. I got that this work explores identity, by asking both questions of "who am I" (internal) and "how do others affect my identity" (external). And I think the spectrum of answers to these questions, as represented by the characters, are all valid, although by Bernard having the last word, Woolf seem to say that the boundaries that we impose to separate our identify from everyone else's...is artificial and brings a good amount of suffering.

Here's other quotations that I liked / understood:

"Bernard has gone," said Neville, "without a ticket. He has escaped us, making a phrase, waving his hand. He talked as easily [...] to the plumber as to us. [...] But what did Bernard feel for the plumber? Did he not only wish to continue the sequence of the story which he never stops telling himself? He began it when he rolled his bread into pellets as a child. One pellet was a man, one was a woman. We are all pellets. We are all phrases in Bernard's story, things he writes down in his notebook under A or under B. He tells our story with extraordinary understanding, except of what we most feel. For he does not need us. He is never at our mercy.

I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. 

"Something now leaves me; something goes from me to meet that figure who is coming, and assures me that I know him before I see who it is. How curiously one is changed by the addition, even at a distance, of a friend. How useful an office one's friend perform when they recall us. Yet how painful to be recalled, to be mitigated, to face one's self adulterated, mixed up, become part of another. 

We have come together [...] to make one thing, not enduring - for what endures? - but been by many eyes simultaneously. There is a red carnation in that vase. A single flower as we sat here waiting, but now a seven-sided flower, many petalled, red, puce, purple-shaded, stuff with silver-tinted leaves - a whole flower to which every eye brings its own contributions. 

I cannot make one moment merge in the next. To me they are all violent, all separate [...]. I have no end in view. I do not know how to run minute to minute and hour to hour, solving then by some natural force until they make the whole and indivisible mass that you call life. 

"It is Percival," said Louis, [...] who makes us aware that these attempts to sag, 'I am this, I am that,' which we make, coming together, like separate parts of one body and soul, are false. Something has been left out from fear. Something has been altered, from vanity. We have tried to accentuate differences. From the desire to be separate we have laid stress upon our faults, and what us particular to us.

"Yet these roaring waters," said Neville, "upon which we build our crazy platforms are more stable than the wild, the weak and inconsequent cries that we utter when, trying to speak, we rise; when we reason and jerk out these false sayings, "I am this; I am that!' Speech is false.
We have proved, sitting eating, sitting talking, that we can add to the treasury of moments. We are it slaves bound to suffer incessantly unrecorded petty blows on our bent backs. We are not sheep either, following a master. We are creators. We too have made something that will join the innumerable congregations of past time. We too, as we put on our hats and push open the door, stride not into chaos, but into a world that our own force can subjugate and make part of the illumine and everlasting road.

The last quotation is from the chapter were all six characters dine with Pervical, and the mood reminds me a lot of H&C. Cue warm fuzzies.

rabbit

It's interesting that my favourite outfit of Simon of Permanent Style is one from a hat review xD

But tell me this isn't the most handsome outfit:

Posting mostly so I have a reference photo for the day I commission a bespoke coat just like this one (plus detachable black fur trim for the collars). ONE DAY!

skincare routine: ATL 2019

in which I try high-key backlit photos:

For cleansers, I've been using the travel size Shu cleansing oil that I bought...when I went to Japan? Currently using the anti-oxi (purple) one, and am liking it a lot. The texture is not too thick and not too runny, doesn't sting my eyes like the porefinist (pink one). I'm considering getting full-sized version of this in the distant future (aka after I have a downpayment saved). As for second-cleaner, it's my always reliable Hada Labo foaming cleanser. I am tempted by the heavenly scent of the Sulwhasoo cleanser, but alas now is not the time for skincare inflation.

The rest of my routine is shown above:

• Secret Key FTE: as with all the other FTEs I've used...I don't notice much improvement, but I suppose my skin tone is pale and relatively bright already. Was just using this up, will not be repurchasing any FTE in the foreseeable future
• Hada Labo shirojyun toner mixed with Komeyu rice bran oil: I swear the secret to having a glow is to use facial oil haha
• Melano CC vit C serum (morning only): this "oily" feeling vit c serum has been great in the drier winter times. I felt that my skin's texture has improved slightly, and that my hyperpigmentations are fading faster, at least initially. My PIH fades from a fresh scar to being able to be covered up by base makeup in about a week, which is good enough for me. Will repurchase (actually have a backup tube because I bought 2 by mistake) but am switching to a water-based vit c (Timeless vit C) now that I'm in humid Houston for the spring/summer
• Komeyu rice bran serum (evening only): I love the texture of this serum and how quickly it sinks in. Not sure how much impact it's had, combined with the relative difficulty in sourcing this, I will not repurchase. 
• Hada Labo shirojyun lotion: this will probably never be replaced haha. I was tempted to get a Sulwhasoo water (essential or snowise) but have not found an emulsion or lotion that is noticeably better. 
• Sulwhasoo essential eye cream: still using the sample, this tiny bottle lasts a long time! The pump is prone to over-dispensing product too. I don't have an opinion on this really...since I'm using it preventatively, but it does smell nice and is textually nice. 
• IUNIK tea tree serum (during breakouts only): I don't think this is as effective as the LJH one, but it does work as well. I can notice a reduction in how inflamed (or angry looking) an active acne is the morning after applying this. Won't immediately repurchase as I want to try some cica products to compare the two ingredients. 

Luckily I've used up some these products (the FTE and the serum) at the same time I'm moving to Houston, which is great since I need to use less products in the humid-er climate. Now my regular  routine is probably the most pared-down it's ever been haha, just cleansing, tone (with oil only at night), then lotion and eye cream. 

...

Morning make-up:

After a month of try-harding with mascara almost everyday in Toronto, I'm back to a lazy, no eye makeup routine:

• Mamonde primer: this is an unexpected hit for me, especially since I was convinced into buying this by an SA. But turns out I do really like it. The lavender color correcting primer is very effective, I can see my skin tone becoming brighter and more white (as in less yellow). It also has a high enough sun protection, although I doubt I use enough of this to reap the listed protection. But given that I'm in an office all day, I'm okay with slightly dubious sun protection. Will repurchase.
• Sulwhasoo perfecting cushion: my opinion on this drifted a lot. I didn't think it was all that special in the beginning, but am now fully appreciating its "perfecting" name. It really does just that, it gives your face a soft blur filter. It looks super natural, I swear most people cannot tell that I'm wearing base make-up. The glow from my facial oil also shows through. Although that's also the downside, this cushion has pretty much non-existent coverage of pigmentation. It does wonders for making your skin texture look perfect, but it does show all the scars / redness underneath. This is also why I'm using the color-correcting primer underneath, as it helps even my skin tone so that this cushion doesn't have to. Will repurchase
• Innisfree powder: this goes on my T-zone and wherever my glasses sit on my face. It is really great at absorbing oil, and the effect lasts pretty much the whole workday for me. Will repurchase, although this container has lasted me years. 
• Lipsticks: Mamonde, Aritaum, Burberry. It was such a hard decision picking which lipsticks to bring with me. In the end I settled on a bright red hydrating one (Mamonde), a glossy bright pink one (Aritaum), and a matte MLBB one (Burberry, this one is just slightly cooler and pinker than my natural lips). I tend to default to the Mamonde one, and choose the other two depending on the colours of my outfit

pole

The latest episode of Secular Buddhism "stepping into groundlessness" is a good summary of my lessons learned so far from dating Jeff. I still feel averse to groundlessness, but at least my first reactions are less disruptive and my second reactions are minimized. In fact, let me pat myself on the back here, my reaction to the latest incident went from very negative, to positive (!!), and oscillated between slightly negative and neutral for the couple days after as I processed through the situation.

So that's the short version.

stir

Frozen pizza is the ideal move-out food, it requires no utensils to consume (y)

But before that, I had a kale & white bean pesto pasta:

Lemma again rant about my perpetual problem with taking photos of my dinner: the image is never as sharp as I like because I don't have enough light so I open my lens to max aperture such that only a sliver is actually in focus "orz
Someone buy me nice lighting equipment plz
and a tripod
and the newly released xf 16mm f2.8

Killing Commedatore

This is likely my shortest post on a Murakami book: one quotation and one impression.

The quotation:

Their gaze had a strange radiance - "a frozen flame" was the phrase that leapt to mind. That flame had warmth, but at the same time, it was cool and collected. Like a rare jewel whose glow came from deep within. That light expressed naked yearning when projected outside. Focused inward, it strove for completion. Those two sides were equally strong, and at perpetual war with each other.

The impression:
My feelings about this book is like the underground river setting that the main character ventures into to save Mariye: the river separates absence and presence, and is covered by a white mist