23 April 2022

sanctuary

This is...the second time I fclt burned out? I don't even know when exactly the first time started, could be as early as September or late as November 2021 but it was very much a frog is simmering water situation. And ended with the break I took for EW launch, which I just threw myself into. 

This time its lot more compressed timeline! Is that a good thing? Let's assume it is. The last week of March is probably where it crossed over from normal tired / stress to denial that I can keep going, oh and not only keep going but do! more! stuff! to just get over it. The constant background headache and lack of interest in eating should've been clues but I am stubborn in my denial. Culminated in recognition on a that Saturday, then spent more hours asleep than awake on the Sunday which was a sorely needed reset. Luckily I had the foresight to take Monday & Tuesday off to slowly nurse my energy level up and reintroducing cooking & getting out of the house. It was so nice binging on Project Hail-Mary, its a light hearted read that I could just enjoy without reflecting on broader implications. 

21 April 2022

dealin' with this space now

 Undecided if this is my favourite from the album. But I suppose it’s adept, it is a rough transition from occupying all the free thoughts to eventually an afterthought. 

19 April 2022

Let it go, let it stay

Joji's Nectar is functioning like Epik High's sleepless atm. 

It's a little surprising that I am really liking this album, since aside from "Normal People" that I immediately liked when I first heard it when Jeff was listening to a lot of 88rising's products, the other songs didn't leave much of an impression. But I sure like them now!

17 April 2022

Can't Even

Oof this is definitely the most relatable book I've read, ever. The fish & water quotation from David Foster Wallace really is adept here.

My main take away is the definition of burn out, which the book contrasts against exhaustion by defining exhaustion as when you can't surmount an obstacle vs burn out which is you keep trying harder. 

Other super familiar quotations:

I started by sorting through a vast array of articles, mostly written by millennials, and mostly published on millennial-oriented websites, on the everyday stresses of "adulting' -a word adopted to describe the fear of doing or pride in completing tasks associated with our parents. As one piece put it, "The modern Millennial, for the most part, views adulthood as a series of actions, as opposed to a state of being. Adulting therefore becomes a verb." And part of adulting is getting the things done on the bottom half of your to-do list, even if they're hard.

Millennials became the first generation to fully conceptualize themselves as walking college resumes. With assistance from our parents, society, and educators, we came to understand ourselves, consciously or not, as "human capital": subjects to be optimized for better performance in the economy. That pressure to achieve wouldn't have existed without the notion that college, no matter the cost, would provide a path to middle-class prosperity and stability. But as millions of overeducated, underemployed. and student-debt-laden millennials will tell you, just because everyone around you believes in the gospel doesn't mean it's necessarily true. College didn't alleviate the economic anxiety of our parents. It didn't even guarantee our position in the middle class, or, in many cases, actually prepare us for the job market. But the preparation for college taught us a valuable, lingering lesson: how to orient our entire lives around the idea that hard work brings success and fulfillment, no matter how many times we're confronted with proof to the contrary.

but now I feel like a good job is something that doesn't require me to work more than forty hours on a regular basis, and with duties that feel challenging and interesting while still doable. I don't want a "cool' job anymore, because I think jobs that are your 'dream' or your 'passion' consume too much of one's identity outside of work hours in a way that can be so toxic. And I don't want to lose my identity if I lose my job, you know?

Lastly but certainly not the least because I've repeated this sentiment sooo many times that it actually feels like my soul is hurting from reading it:

When I'm stressed by work, I find myself resenting the amount of sleep I need. Even though I know that sleep actually increases productivity, what I understand is that it decreases available working hours. […] Sometimes I read about physically and psychologically anomalous “short sleepers," like the dozens of CEOs who survive and thrive on just a few hours of sleep a day and feel deep pangs of jealousy.

Makes sense how I would purposely stay up when I feel stressed despite being fully aware I am doing something stupid.

15 April 2022

Saint Laurent F/W 2022


Actually my favourite collection so far??? Like there are others I can think of that are conceptually more interesting, but holy this just looks bloody perfect AND practical. Well not really practical for my lifestyle but I still sure am tempted to get those heels if not the most perfect evening dress ever. YSL sure is giving Dior good competition for my favourite designer house. 

13 April 2022

The Border

I feel that I've read a lot of heavy books lately, perhaps not the greatest idea. 

The Border was frankly also uncomfortable to read, especially when the people are retelling all their sufferings that happened in the various wars and conflicts. The following quotation really hit hard, and is an interesting comparison to the themes of family in previous books:

"Why do we need houses? Why do we need to get married? We need houses to have something to come back to. A house should be warm, it should be a place where you are not cold. Siberia was cold and draughty, and I was always freezing. I never want to experience that again, I want a warm house. And we get married so there is someone waiting, even if you go far, far away, even if you go to prison."

11 April 2022

被梦带走

oooof 

It really has been a while since this song's release. The first line is great.

我们都是泡沫轻轻一碰就破 眼泪是爱的花火
昨天就像飞机穿过我的窗口 我什么都没有

我摊开了双手妳予取予求 直到妳想自由
痛苦的时候我不会闪躲 就像树叶甘心为春风吹落

只是简简单单的爱过 我还是我
简简单单的伤过 就不算白活
简简单单的疯过 被梦带走
当故事结束之后 心也习惯一个人寂寞

我摊开了双手 妳予取予求 知道妳想自由
痛苦的时候 我不会闪躲 就像树叶甘心为春风吹落

只是简简单单的爱过 我还是我
简简单单的伤过 就不算白活
简简单单的疯过 被梦带走
当故事结束之后 心也习惯一个人寂寞

只是简简单单的爱过 我还是我
简简单单的伤过 就不算白活
简简单单的疯过 被梦带走
当故事结束之后 心也习惯一个人寂寞

09 April 2022

borrowed

Furnishing is a whole different end game that I am entirely unprepared for. But I'm largely satisfied with the little garden corner of my Gridania apartment. Tho it only works when viewed from certain angles because I didn't float the phasmascape up. 



07 April 2022

trattoria

 Things I ate recently:


Am immensely disappointed that my Bulk Barn didn't have dried sour cherries but golden raisons are more photogenic? Especially with some raw pu'er. Am even more disappointed that my brick of White Whale is literally a brick, I can only get dusts off so I guess one month I will brew the entire brick up and be super caffeinated. 


It doesn't feel like home until I have the ground meat mixture in my fridge. Does it translate to ragu in english, but it's not saucy? 


Luroufan with a lot of green onions


Le Swan, highly recommend.

Thai red curry, with the only acceptable fish ball which is the kind that's stuffed with meat.

05 April 2022

white

I really have a thing for pink foliaged trees...Limsa and Ul'dah during Little Ladies' Day event plus a bonus gatherer's glam show-off:





03 April 2022

I'm not alive without you

 A brief interlude of another Epik High & Lee Hi song but not part of Epik High Is Here


I'm grateful that there seem to always be a new Epik High album to listen on repeat whenever I need to cope with an overflow of feelings haha. I am absolutely a champion at catastrophizing, but at least I know better than to act on it. Having had a panic attack once, it was a really weird feeling being woken up by the waves of anxiety. I thought it would've maybe melded into a nightmare or something instead? Interesting experience haha.

01 April 2022

The Great Gatsby

I'm not sure what I think of this book, if much at all. The top search results for reviews of this book all seem to be pondering why it's read so often and how everyone misunderstands the book *shurg* The writing style is pretty nice tho, I particularly like this passage:

His heart beat faster and faster as Daisy's white face came up to his own. He knew that when he kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of God. So he waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning fork that had been struck upon a star. Then he kissed her. At his lips' touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete.

Through all he said, even through his appalling sentimentality, I was reminded of something- an elusive rhythm, a fragment of lost words, that I had heard somewhere a long time ago. For a moment a phrase tried to take shape in my mouth and my lips parted like a dumb man's, as though there was more struggling upon them than a wisp of startled air. But they made no sound and what I had almost remembered was uncommunicable forever.