The shortest summary I can provide this book is that it will absolutely destroy you.
My longer impression is that the cruelty suffered by a particular character and the trauma that it induces in him will destroy you; the tenderness of the good relationships that the character develops will still break your heart. I was basically ugly crying for the middle third of the book, and less ugly crying for the last third, haven't continuously cried this much since playing through Endwalker. This story has help me viscerally understand and expand my imagination on the depth of friendship and platonic love. Either of those points alone would quality this as one of my favourites. Also helps that the writing is quite beautiful at times.
My favourite quotations:
He'd watch that kind light suffuse the car like syrup, watch it smudge furrows from foreheads, slick gray hairs into gold, gentle the aggressive shine from cheap fabrics into something lustrous and fine. And then the sun would drift, the car rattling uncaringly away from it, and the world would return to its normal sad shapes and colors, the people to their normal sad state, a shift as cruel and abrupt as if it had been made by a sorcerer's wand.
The first is that it doesn't matter how old that child is, or when or how he became yours. Once you decide to think of someone as your child, something changes, and everything you have previously enjoyed about them, everything you have previously felt for them, is preceded first by that fear. It's not biological; it's something extra-biological, less a determination to ensure the survival of one's genetic code, and more a desire to prove oneself inviolable to the universe's feints and challenges, to triumph over the things that want to destroy what's yours.
It would have been too melodramatic, too final, to say that after this JB was forever diminished for him. But it was true that for the first time, he was able to comprehend that the people he had grown to trust might someday betray him anyway, and that as disappointing as it might be, it was inevitable as well, and that life would keep propelling him steadily forward, because for everyone who might fail him in some way, there was at least one person who never would.
The thing he hadn't realized about success was that success made people boring. Failure also made people boring, but in a different way: failing people were constantly striving for one thing— success. But successful people were also only striving to maintain their success. It was the difference between running and running in place, and although running was boring no matter what, at least the person running was moving, through different scenery and past different vistas. And yet here again, it seemed that Jude and Willem had something he didn't, something that was protecting them from the suffocating ennui of being successful, from the tedium of waking up and realizing that you were a success and that every day you had to keep doing whatever it was that made you a success, because once you stopped, you were no longer a success, you were becoming a failure.
"The axiom of the empty set is the axiom of zero. It states that there must be a concept of nothingness, that there must be the concept of zero: zero value, zero items. Math assumes there's a concept of nothingness, but is it proven? No. But it must exist. "And if we are being philosophical-which we today are—we can say that life itself is the axiom of the empty set. It begins in zero and ends in zero. We know that both states exist, but we will not be conscious of either experience: they are states that are necessary parts of life, even as they cannot be experienced as life. We assume the concept of nothingness, but we cannot prove it. But it must exist. So I prefer to think that Walter has not died but has instead proven for himself the axiom of the empty set, that he has proven the concept of zero. I know nothing else would have made him happier. An elegant mind wants elegant endings, and Walter had the most elegant mind. So I wish him goodbye; I wish him the answer to the axiom he so loved."
And yet he sometimes wondered if he could ever love anyone as much as he loved Jude. It was the fact of him, of course, but also the utter comfort of life with him, of having someone who had known him for so long and who could be relied upon to always take him as exactly who he was on that particular day. His work, his very life, was one of disguises and charades. Everything about him and his context was constantly changing: his hair, his body, where he would sleep that night. He often felt he was made of something liquid, something that was being continually poured from bright-colored bottle to bright-colored bottle, with a little being lost or left behind with each transfer. But his friendship with Jude made him feel that there was something real and immutable about who he was, that despite his life of guises, there was something elemental about him, something that Jude saw even when he could not, as if Jude's very witness of him made him real.
He likes both types of conversations with Willem, but he appreciates the mundane ones more than he'd imagined he would. He had always felt bound to Willem by the big things-love; trust— but he likes being bound to him by the small things as well: bills and taxes and dental checkups. […] it had seemed to him the ideal expression of an adult relationship, to have someone with whom you could discuss the mechanics of a shared existence.
"What does Malcolm have to worry about?" JB would ask them when Malcolm was anxious about something, but he knew: he was worried because to be alive was to worry. Life was scary; it was unknowable. Even Malcolm's money wouldn't immunize him completely. Life would happen to him, and he would have to try to answer it, just like the rest of them. They all-Malcolm with his houses, Willem with his girlfriends, JB with his paints, he with his razors-sought comfort, something that was theirs alone, something to hold off the terrifying largeness, the impossibility, of the world, of the relentlessness of its minutes, its hours, its days.
-a sadness, he might have called it, but it wasn't a pitying sadness; it was a larger sadness, one that seemed to encompass all the poor striving people, the billions he didn't know, all living their lives, a sadness that mingled with a wonder and awe at how hard humans everywhere tried to live, even when their days were so very difficult, even when their circumstances were so wretched. Life is so sad, he would think in those moments. It's so sad, and yet we all do it. We all cling to it; we all search for something to give us solace.
I'm just realizing now that Remi is an interesting contrast (albeit not quite a foil) to Urielle:
Remiel could have had a lovely childhood, her parents were present and their family business well off. Both of her parents were respected undertakers that prominent lineages of Neverwinter relied on. Naught is amiss except for her usual but beautiful lavender eyes and the dreams that plague her. Well the dreams don’t actually bother her, for she always feels such warmth and tenderness from them. But it’s the content of these dreams, always featuring an elf with dark purple hair and molten gold eyes. Hundreds of different dreams where she adventures with this elf: bantering for amusement, sharing a drink in taverns, battling side by side, listening to tales by the campfires, and most of all just gazing fondly at her companion. For these dreams feel so immediate must be memories of a lived experience, her own lived experience.I haven't thought about my various DnD character backstories until a few days ago since posting Sariel and Raph's last May. Here's Urielle today, whom I have a good bit of sympathy for currently due to also being sick. I did not create a good life for her.
...I forget when I started gposing but it took then until now for me to finally start playing around with other presets. I'll get to Anamnesis eventually.
Trying out Fairy Gentle Goth in my garden compared to my usual Project Crystal - gameplay.
Insights from being sick for 2 weeks:
It has been a while since I updated, mostly because I made no progress (did finish the main dome a while ago). I just decided to embroider during a webinar instead of multitasking on work today. Also discovered that waiting for PF to fill is also excellent time to embroider.
Still have to redo the walkway...and the french knot hell for all the trees welp.
