fireworks

Back in high school I had a major English assignment related to the ideas in The Denial of Death. I vividly remember reading that book on a beach vacation somewhere. The relevant point from that book to today’s post is that leaving a legacy is a common way to achieve immortality.

The second relevant introduction to today’s post is that I happen to have read The Remains of the Day (after not reading for the latter half of the year) and watch The Boy and the Heron in this last week of the year.

I found the movie very dense, and more grotesque/dark compared to all the other Miyazaki Ghibli movies. The music is great as usual though. Since I didn’t know how to understand the movie, I watched some YouTube analyses. One was saying that Mahito rejecting ownership of the tower is young Miyazaki rejecting the career of the old/current Miyazaki. I didn’t interpret it that way, and after some shower thinking, came to the conclusion that it’s acceptance that even though there is no successor to one’s legacy, hence no continuity to establish immortality, one can be satisfied and proud of one’s career/body of work.

This is a similar message to what I took from The Remains of the Day, a book I really didn’t enjoy the detached and nonchalant narrative style but recognize it’s a well written book, that at the end of one’s career and an age where one’s capabilities begin to decline and become much more real limits, it’s ok to simultaneously be proud of one’s accomplishments as the journey to reach this point and let go of the accompanying expectations (mostly self-imposed) and relax/enjoy the time that remains. That’s got to be the longest run-on sentence that I’ve written, hopefully you can follow.

Momentarily back to the movie:

1. The grieving part surprisingly didn’t leave much of an impression on me, maybe I hit my quota on processing loss this year haha.

2. I feel that Ghibli movies usually have a clear simple message, and “Acceptance” is the word I’d choose to summarize The Boy and the Heron.

And now back to the book: I had a good amount of ~thoughts and emotions~ after visiting family in China, and reading this book has surprisingly helped with some additional processing of that. In particular why I dislike, or surprisingly more accurately: don’t vibe with, the narrative style, and some anxiety regarding both my parents becoming no longer independent in their eventual old age (and my responsibilities arising from that), then even farther in the future of my own aging (and not wanting to burden someone else to take care of me).

Actually not even when I’m truly old, somehow I’m feeling the “getting old” real viscerally this year. Okay 2 very good things happened: I no longer get regular headaches and I fall asleep much quicker. But damn I don’t appreciate new stomach problems and a super shitty energy level. Like I want to do nothing but sleep for two whole days after hanging out in larger groups. The last one might be lagging recovery from poor mental health.

So what transpired in 2023?

• Survived long enough to take a 2 month leave of absence from work, in which a good half the time was spent horizontal on my couch.
• But met a new group of friends in the other half of the time, including my current partner.
• Trudged through work for most of the year but feeling cautiously hopeful about my new manager.
• Finally went back to China to visit my family, which was both rewarding and stressful af.
• Dined at multiple restaurants on my Toronto wish list, starting with Alo. Richmond Station is always great. Dailo is also great, would like to take my parents there. Would go back to Quetzal for a la carte.
• Got my license, finally.
• Moved, hopefully the last time in a long time. Also got adopted by a cat, now wear sweatpants often, and am developing a taste in coffee.
• Probably more good days than bad days.