tiare

 1/2 more music filler posts while I recover sanity

Tep No · Tep No - Perfectly

tuberose

The only vaguely appropriate music I have to practice bachata steps to. Oh boy is my library filled with sad or thumptumpthump songs...

Tep No · Tep No - Perfectly

tap

Went to my first bachata lesson some days ago, and the saying that raiding is like dancing (or in my case vice versa due to the order I tried things) is absolutely true. There's the prog period where I'm actively thinking of the next steps/mechanic, and because of that I'm stiff af. Then once things are committed to muscle memory do things flow smoothly. 

Class was fun tho! I'll take the small victories and hopefully try a few other classes post UK.

You're the sky where I'm floating

Duumu · Seven Lions - Strangers (Duumu's Wanderer Remix)

 

pieces

Written a while ago but posted for records:

It is surprisingly difficult to write about actual personal stuff on a supposedly personal blog. If I recall my posts in the first few years of this blogs existence, they were actually about things happening in my life but at some point I stopped writing about those and it became more of an outlet for my hobbies that were largely single person activities.

But I digress. I was reading a post (as I tend to do when trying but unsuccessfully falling asleep) from last December in which I described work as stable. It comes at such a shock to me right now, less than a year later. Was I delusional back then? Was I actually ok? Do I actually have Endwalker release to thank for recovering my sanity more than I already realize? I took a week of PTO for my birthday, and it made me finally accept that even without the immediate threat of work, I still feel like shit. There was a discussion with a friend about the difference in meaning between the expressions “death by a thousand cuts”, “frog in boiling water”, and “the last straw that broke the camel’s back”; I’m still not sure which expression, if any, is the accurate description for what happened.

Another old post from July said I wasn’t feeling joy of cooking and eating for a few months now. That’s really gotten worse, but again masked with the excuse that I haven’t stayed in my apartment enough to get into the swing of meal planning and grocery shopping. Bless my mom for delivering her garden produce to me so I’m mostly eating better than just noodles on many days.

At least I’m out of the denial phase now? Lots of options to make things better but obviously none of them are appealing at the moment. I have tons of excuses to not even escape from commitments that I can just drop (totally why I felt the definition of burn out in Can’t Even is so relatable). Not having the willpower or sufficient desire to change is why I procrastinated on starting therapy for so long. There’s a reason why velleity is my favourite word 😅 Also appreciating “sleepless_____” in a whole new way.

Not sure how concerned I should be that my emotions are not accessible? Maybe that’s too strong of a statement. I feel a whole lot of stress LOL but also like moments of enjoyment. But that’s kinda about it, there were certain events that happened that should’ve elicited frustration and sadness and those are strangely absent. Am I totally looking at a blessing in the wrong light?

Maybe a leave of absence starting next year is necessary. That’s also a long time to survive until. Meanwhile I consider the very good question of: if I make time to spare, what do I actually do with it to feel better?

crisp

Salting zucchini, squeezing the excess water out, then stir frying is indeed life changing with regards to the texture. Too bad its season is over already welp.

left to sifting through faded memories

 Also more great jazz remixes of FF14:

It also seems like I never posted the original version of this song?? It's carried me through many work days. Lyrics are fantastic too, alternate favourite line is "Quick to their ends, our candles burn until we're free"

All our splendour bathed black in silence
Our surrender a sombre reverie

Slowly drifting down into twilight
Left to sifting through faded memories

Know our places, for worth is wordless
Evanescent, this writing on the wall

Brother stay this descent to madness
Come and save us. Catch us before we fall

Like broken angels, wingless, cast from heavens' gates
(Our slumb'ring demons awake)

We only fly when falling, falling far from grace
(Hell take us, heaven can wait)

Our lives a message in a bottle cast to sea
(Disgrace untold and unseen)

Quick to their ends, our candles burn until we're free

In monochrome melodies
Our tears are painted in red
(Bleeding to the edge)
Deep inside we're nothing more
Than scions and sinners
In the rain
Do light and darkness fade

Yes, time circles endlessly
The hands of fate trained ahead
(Pointing to the edge)
All things change, drawn to the flame
To rise from the ashes.
To begin
We first must see the end

Rock of ages, we cast the first stone
In our cages, we know not what we do

Indecision here at the crossroads
Recognition, tomorrow's come too soon

Follow blindly like lambs to slaughter
At the mercy of those who ply the sword

As our song wends dead underwater
We're forgotten for now and evermore

Without a compass wand'ring lost in lies of faith
(Faith slowly wasting away)

Only alive in fighting Death's amber embrace
(Our hearts beat loud, unafraid)

On Hands and knees we pray to gods we've never seen
(Come shadow, come follow me)

The final hour upon us, no more time to breathe

...

I also notice I tend to post in pairs now. It's not really been intentional tho.