pieces

Written a while ago but posted for records:

It is surprisingly difficult to write about actual personal stuff on a supposedly personal blog. If I recall my posts in the first few years of this blogs existence, they were actually about things happening in my life but at some point I stopped writing about those and it became more of an outlet for my hobbies that were largely single person activities.

But I digress. I was reading a post (as I tend to do when trying but unsuccessfully falling asleep) from last December in which I described work as stable. It comes at such a shock to me right now, less than a year later. Was I delusional back then? Was I actually ok? Do I actually have Endwalker release to thank for recovering my sanity more than I already realize? I took a week of PTO for my birthday, and it made me finally accept that even without the immediate threat of work, I still feel like shit. There was a discussion with a friend about the difference in meaning between the expressions “death by a thousand cuts”, “frog in boiling water”, and “the last straw that broke the camel’s back”; I’m still not sure which expression, if any, is the accurate description for what happened.

Another old post from July said I wasn’t feeling joy of cooking and eating for a few months now. That’s really gotten worse, but again masked with the excuse that I haven’t stayed in my apartment enough to get into the swing of meal planning and grocery shopping. Bless my mom for delivering her garden produce to me so I’m mostly eating better than just noodles on many days.

At least I’m out of the denial phase now? Lots of options to make things better but obviously none of them are appealing at the moment. I have tons of excuses to not even escape from commitments that I can just drop (totally why I felt the definition of burn out in Can’t Even is so relatable). Not having the willpower or sufficient desire to change is why I procrastinated on starting therapy for so long. There’s a reason why velleity is my favourite word 😅 Also appreciating “sleepless_____” in a whole new way.

Not sure how concerned I should be that my emotions are not accessible? Maybe that’s too strong of a statement. I feel a whole lot of stress LOL but also like moments of enjoyment. But that’s kinda about it, there were certain events that happened that should’ve elicited frustration and sadness and those are strangely absent. Am I totally looking at a blessing in the wrong light?

Maybe a leave of absence starting next year is necessary. That’s also a long time to survive until. Meanwhile I consider the very good question of: if I make time to spare, what do I actually do with it to feel better?