sparrow

And now we have a week of chill music:

Cloudchord · Cloudchord and Emancipator - Junior High Dance

Cloudchord as a whole is perfect to work to.

spin

Time for some more public reflection on experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, hurray more lessons learned. 

I've always been a little stumped thinking about what emotions physically feel like, aside from some obvious ones such as the butterflies in stomach feeling of a crush. But after that week with near constant anxiety, I have good answers now! 

• tightness in chest
• headaches
• numbness in hand/wrist/feet/ankle
• and surprisingly feeling hungry, but without an accompanying desire to eat

Even more interestingly I thinnnnk I managed to resolve the mental block that keep a positive feedback loop of thoughts churning in my head. Progress can be made at 2am wheeee, or rather therapy is indeed working. It really is as simple as acknowledging I've done my best and whatever happens happens. I still get triggered (easily) but can let go.

Another small victory to celebrate: not knowing how to feel / judge myself, aka I've stopped automatically judging my reactions! 

But that leaves the problem of dealing with the physical sensations welp. I've incurred enough sleep debt that I am passing out real quick this week. 

feelings overcomplicated

Oz Ozzy · Icarus (bonus)

 

Ease your mind until the mood is gone

 Some continuous nights of good sleep would be really helpful. I feel super called out by this song.

When will the fantasy end?

 A break from Korean music because bad mental health days needs even darker music:

I also heard the verse from Logic's song first, was neat hearing it here again the first time I listened to this. 

arashiyama

To be honest I don't even recall thinking the latte I had was extraordinary tasting (though this time I sure do think it taste better than average), nonetheless it does bring up good memories. Enough to be worth waiting an hour in line for XD

hearing the sound of your breath while you were leaning on my shoulder

 

another level

Alright I decided on the theme for 2023: letting go (of expectations (of myself)). 

ra-la

I always wanted to gpose in the last zone of Dead Ends but explorer mode shows doesn't have the golden fields / world tree. But alas its in Elysion after bloodsworn rank! 

But my joy was shortlived caused it's a pretty cluttered area and fairly difficult to get a composition that I was happy with. Nonetheless I have screenshots.

my legs are stumbling, stumbling as I walk

 

familiarity is a common sense

 

I'm reminded of when I first started reading translated Korean webcomics (before the webtoon app was a thing, woah that was a long time ago) and through that found Hiln and My Aunt Mary. Not really the same style of music tho. 

petit

NYE dinner at Aloette, t'was very nice. Think I'd enjoy the main restaurant whenever I can snatch a reso at a decent time welp

• Oyster (yuzu kosho mignonette) / poached tiger prawns (horseradish, shio koji, lime) / little neck clams (smoked buttermilk, ramp oil) - felt like the latter two were kinda over cooked but my gods smoked buttermilk is delicious, then scallop crudo (matsutake mushroom, brown butter, shiso, sesame) on the side - sesame is A+
• Riocotta stuffed ravioli (chestnut, butternut squash, pancetta, sage) - my fav course!, cheese bread (roasted yeast butter) on the side
• Beef tenderloin (fois gras, pomme puree) - so far the western preparations of livers I've tried has been too game-y for me
• Chocolate bombe (rum caramel, chocolate, meringue) on a shortbread base - slightly too singularly sweet but I ain't complaining much about dessert

My phone really tried its best under the low light:

fanrow

I am immensely proud for finding a better glam to pair with the fae's crown thanlums AND  a perfect location for gposing.

...

Also managed to get my big doggo before the holidays. Gwib grind be rough.

If I don’t grow, growing pains are nothing but pain

Was very much feeling this the days leading up to the holiday break:

Am not feeling great that I'm delaying my leave by a month but I do actually want to attend the BE symposium. Maybe it'll be a high note to end on. 

Don't let my words become a ploy

Surely I will actually end up seeing Epik High this time right?? Forth time is definitely the charm? ;o; 

Youtube's Epik High mix has given me some pretty good suggestions so far, my favourite being:

I'm such a fan of Loco & Hwasa's dynamic in their MVs