21 November 2016

speak, and may the world come undone

I'm not sure how well sanity is being maintained, but at least I sent off my thesis draft.

This is the song that carried me through this weekend:

Not entirely happy with it since one component of my results make zero sense. Sigh modelling problems, hard to tell if you're wrong or the model is wrong...though in this case it should be that the model is wrong. But alas I get to use software license expiry as an excuse, even though it's a very weak excuse. I don't have much willpower left to resist laziness, and this amount will need to be used for rewriting my Gates scholarship application and then finals studying.

Speaking of finals, it is entirely possible to lose my 4.0 over recon. But what's more alarming is that this fact provides exceedingly little motivation to study. Perhaps it's good that I don't care as much? Sunken cost yo...

(don't think I've ranted this much about school since...first year? highschool?)

Two related anxiety:
  1. There is constant questioning about whether I'm making the right decision / picking the right priorities. Is this background anxiety that I should just ignore or legit gut check?
  2. Was I actually content during PEY? It's unnerving to think that a very low-key lifestyle is satisfactory when I've always thought otherwise. Not to mention how to distinguish that from being lazy, especially since the prevalent social pressure says so. But if I agree that economic growth = way to a better society is not an axiom, why do I have trouble accepting the individual equivalent belief?

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