28 January 2016

perchance to dream

This is a rare out of character, personal post. From last night:

When I have trouble falling asleep, like today, I often think as if I'm jotting my thoughts down as a blog post. And because it's during an effort to fall asleep, I can usually resist the temptation to grab my phone lying beside me and type it out. Also because thoughts come to me faster than I can type it out.
But not tonight. Tonight these incoherent thoughts make it outside of just my head. So warning, ramblings ahead.

From my newsfeed, I understand that today was Bell's lets talk day about mental health. I've also read posts from some friends about mental health, sharing their stories. I don't really have one to share, or maybe I'm extra good at fooling myself that I'm okay. Though I am good at convincing myself, as I've tried unsuccessfully to explain that to people. My closest attempt came up in a convo with Rui about how I seem so logical in my decisions, because I can't trust how I feel because it could either be how I really feel (instinct or gut feeling)...or what I've convinced myself how I ought to feel.

Anyways, I was getting to the point that, even when I feel absolutely shitty, I'm still too chicken to even wish in my head that I would die. This reminds me of one quotation, which I don't think I've posted, so here it is:
The reason you will not say it is when you say it, even to yourself, you will know it's true.
But you know it's true now.
Dying is scary, as Hamlet so eloquently puts it. These are my favourite lines:
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.
Instead I wish I can unexist, because I know exactly the outcome of that. It's much more convenient than dying, no one feels sad either since I wouldn't have existed in the first place. This is important to me since if somehow the thought the suicide even creeps up, I immediately think of how sad my parents would be and effectively vanquishes any desire to die. I might have told Alex a bit of this, casually brought up in a conversation, and it freaked him out a little? But might've not since I don't recall, though memory is not to be trusted anyways. Two quotations come to mind, but those have been posted before and I trust my future self to get the reference.

To elaborate on the parents bit, I do very much feel an obligation to them. One because literally I owe them my life, so better keep on living that. Though it's arguable that I had no input on whether I'd like to exist in the first place, but let's stay away from that since it gets fuzzy fast. Second is filial obligation to take care of them when they become incapable of doing so (implying that I have become capable in the meantime), both financially and emotionally, because they did that for me when I was a helpless kid. I currently think that this sense of obligation should exist.

Oh back to the previous topic, maybe I won't recognize if I do / did / will feel depressed because I don't think my circumstances justify feeling that way. Things are quite s'well. Even the worst of it in 2B...well I don't know. Maybe that's a lie and I just don't want to know *shurg* But on the other hand, like how I'd defend #firstworldproblems, everyone has their personal hell and it would really be the worst to not (recognize? Acknowledge? Ugh I can't think of the right word. Trivialize!) someone else's problems. Well it's equally bad to do that to yourself. I guess I need a clear and abrupt sign that something is wrong before I can recognize it.

And that abruptly ends this mess of thoughts. It did arise a mild desire to pick up The Life of the Mind again. But velleity. Though more practically because I still have a stack of Murakami to go through (tonight's chapters of Sputnik Sweetheart was amazing, so much truth in Miu and Sumire's words), and I've just borrowed three more books on cooking.

Annnnd, with that we are safely out of the realm of late night thoughts.

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